Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone has a glorious day! I have much to be thankful for this year. ..not the least of which is my life... I am thankful for all of those who stayed with me this year. ..I am thankful for the relationships that become closer this year... the wonderful doctors, nurses and staff at Kaiser Sunnyside & Interstate. My mother and husband for putting up with me. After a full day of being good to everyone I don't always have much left for them... this is my last post in this blog! As my cancer journey is done! I have one more surgery to take out my ovaries and of course follow-up appointments. But for all intent and purpose I am done! !!! Thank you Hugs&love Lois

So this is it. .. or the End

Anticlimactic. .. I feel like I should feel something! I am kind of numb... last radiation therapy and like the treatment itself I feel nothing... everyone was so nice. .. they sing a goodbye song! They gave me "a certificate" commemorating the accomplishment. .. I should be thrilled!  ... right? ... off to work now...

Seriously peeling!

Okay... unexpected side effect of radiation ... my skin is peeling! !! Like a bad sunburn. ..yuck

How my head works... or...and crazy is my name oh!

So last week I was destroyed! I had hit a wall. ..I saw women that I had met this spring that are now not doing well and others I didn't know but had the same cancer I did, that aren't doing well. ..it hit me like bang! !! I am so very fortunate!  Then. .. why am I so fortunate? !? Then. ... is it right to be okay? ?? Working on trying to be healthy? ?? Surviving guilt??? I thought I was handling everything really pretty well,  then I turn into a slush bucket! Crying!  Oh yes the crying. .. how can I get a handle on that? ?? For the record I feel better all the time!  Not 100% but better😊 I have been informed it takes 5 years to be a survivor!  So why do I feel that they cut it out... it's all gone!!! Am I afraid? ?? Am I deluding myself? ??  Goodness! I usually know my own brain. .. confusion. ..not my favorite... so where does that leave me? Crazy...

1 week left! And they call it boost!

So this last week of radiation is boost. .. only the lumpectomy area will be getting irradiated.... the last will be a surgery,  I am having my ovaries out the end of December!  So I am going full tilt through the holidays.  I will be having surgery 12/29 then out 2 weeks.  That's it!

Same S*#t different day... or radiation and other daily duties!

I really haven't known how to talk about last week so I haven't put it into words. .. so here it is. .. I hit a wall last week.  Many things came together and the house of cards that is my mental stability came crashing down. .. was it real? ?? Can't answer that.  In my head yes.  Kelly says "why when this is almost done are you doing this? " I could not tell you. .. but last week I became an emotional cripple. I wanted nothing more than to find a beach!!! So far this week feels better. ...

Hard day

I didn't sleep well last night. .. my breast in its healing process, all the nerves firing!  Ouch! Compounded tired. ...I have no idea how I am going to get through today ...  so many have it so much worse, I should not complain...I will check in later😊

I am getting nothing done!

So here's my challenge.  I am good in the early day. Now that doesn't sound like a challenge, but I swim, a hike or work.  then without warning I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open...I just want to be normal again. .. there is no answer, it is what it is... I have things to do and no more energy to do it... I am disappointing myself and others... that is my challenge... as much as I hear it is no big deal or to give myself a break. It doesn't matter because I am not meeting the needs I always have... how is that okay??? Life, it is not enough to be here... Life, is more... it is all the mundane things! I will get it back, but will I lose myself before I am well??? I don't know. ..

The wonders of water

Swimming. .. hot tub... rinse repeat! I really am a water baby... funny how lovely,  calming,  and just plain good it makes me feel!  Today a small how with the boys. And that was also a great time they both (yes Stripe too) listened. every command! They are 2 now so maybe I that is part of it, but it was the very first time that they both (while having fun) still listened! Outstanding!
No call today ,so tomorrow if I don't hear anything I will be calling them.  I need to get this surgery scheduled. .. well sleep calls ...

Week 4 almost over... or ...

So at 4 weeks into radiation my breast looks good...  I am tired but nothing like chemo... Swimming after radiation each day (which feels amazing! )... then work some days busy some days slow...
I have to have surgery in December ( have I said that already? ) anyways having my ovaries out... No date yet...

Counting blessing??? Or is it okay not to be okay???

And these are the things I think about when I am in my head... things people say "you look great!" "You have hair! ?!" "it is amazing how well you've come through all this" ... the truth be told yes ,yes  and yes!
And then there is not being able to sleep. .. and the feelings of despair ... crying jags...let's not forget the pain...
I am fortunate! Look how well I have done!  What is wrong with me?!?
So many have it so very much worse... insane...I need to find a solution!  Something I can sink into. ..     

13 down 20 to go!

Radiation is odd. Because it doesn't feel like anything! Breath in, breath out, breath in,  hold. 4 times. .. the machine moves around me. ..I am starting to get more tired than I think I should, but I have been doing more.  Swimming, walking the dogs and working. At night the last couple days I am spent. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and have to get back to sleep. Haven't slept in my bed in a long time (I can't lay back flat) so that's a problem. But in general I am in the home stretch!

What's happening? !? Or winding down its okay...

So in a nutshell. .. finished week 2 of radiation ( starting to get tired) been swimming,  working, visited Steven today (that was so nice) it does make me miss Tom more. .. tonight I went to sleep early ...slept a while awoke melancholy. ..
My breast looks very good!  So far it is tender a little red but really not bad.( lots of jojoba & vitiman oil mix)...
I am having my ovaries out in December.  I don't know when yet. If I get my way it will be either the first week of December or the last.

Why have I not been blogging? Well I am getting off this ride soon. I guess it is eye on the prize. Haven't had much to say. Now looking at yet another surgery ...you would think I would learn control is an illusion. But I am so over all of this!  I want my life back!
So there it is. .. slightly crazy Lois. .. sleepy now. .. I love you all so much!

Oncologist today. ..

So I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of answers. Things that suck,  I have to stay on the shots (yuck), now this is mixed she wants my ovaries out by December (still weighing that). Things that are good, my breast looks good and I will get a CT scan in December too. And referrals to help my shoulder and mixed blessing pain meds ( I will sleep tonight)...

Again I can't sleep. ..

What more is there to say. .. the morning brings my appointment. .. really hoping she can help...

Week 1 down 5 & 1/2 to go!

Really just counting down lol!  If you are wondering, my day looks like this...radiation, swim, a little house work and dog stuff!  Work days will be radiation, swim, & then work... my theory is if I keep moving maybe (the tired) won't catch me...

Round 4!

Great news today!  The radiology oncologist today said I can swim as long as my skin stays intact. Yes!!! One more step towards normal...

Radiation! Or invisible treatment!

10 min with my arms in a static pose above my head. Ouch! The shoulder thing. So night time is hard. But after 2 treatments okay.  The hardest is is the schedule.... So I am making it a positive...7:30 am I am going to swim after (doc said I could for a couple weeks) by then they are able to move it to 10am so then I will walk. Healthy Lois! That's my plan. ..wish me luck😄

Maybe it's nerves. ..

Sleepless... in and out. .. maybe it is nerve , maybe it has nothing to do with the last few months...I actually might believe that where it not for the fact that I have always slept like the dead... I mean sleep like people have been jealous of lol! Does that make it more important to me, No, just aggravating! Back to counting sheep. ....

Serious Sleep

Of all of my challenges, Sleep has been hardest in the last few weeks. ..which is ironic since that is all I have been doing it seems for months!!! So last night the blissful sleep was a joy... I am at mom's (the dogs and I) came out yesterday. We will go home this afternoon...

Today was my Friday!

Everyone was lovey this week!  Such long days however take there toll... oddly I don't feel it is necessary to make a change I just think I held up pretty well this week!  So yeah!

Did I ever tell you? ??

I probably did.  I do all this on my phone... the posting that is.  If I had to start up the computer Eveytime, I would not have done it at all! It's like have my diary in my hand all the time. So it's not lovely, well written or set up concisely...it's me like I talk... Sometimes like I think...completely who I am (which probably shows a little crazy)... so as I near the end of this journey and add I feel better I am compelled to explain I guess...

Oh Pictures! !!

This is my new hair!  And a night out! Oh and hike with my boys!

Bad night. .. nice day!

I have a hard time still breathing when I lay flat. .. I can eventually get to sleep but often it is a trial...to top that,  I dream so very vividly!  Night before last I dreamed of my father who has been gone 7 years come December... he came up and hugged me and spoke softly of how it would all work out... I couldn't talk about yesterday I was sobbing in my dream and woke up sobbing for real. And as I write this the memory still so vivid ,tears are escaping... nights are hard... but even that withstanding I wake up and the world is beautiful and beckons me out! 

Enjoying life!

Today,  sorry easy hike with my boys (dogs) , sewing, laundry, wash the dogs and then an art opening!  Really I may not be what I used to be , today felt like life!

radiation the other white meat or is it all red! ?!

Well I had my set up meeting with the radiology oncologist today. I wonder where she's from, because she talks really really fast and she is just so go energy! Like a little cheerleader!  So they marked me and measured and tiny tattoos! All in an effort to make the forthcoming radiation therapy go more smoothly...they all seem very nice and competent. Which is good since it will be 5 days per week for 7 weeks... end of November... they keep saying I will be tired after about 3 weeks I just can't imagine it being as bad as chemo. Also moisturizing 4 times per day! (I will have to figure that out)... so there you go... still not sleeping well I am going to talk to Dr Harvey about that on the 20th.

Another sleepless night...

The problem is a pinched nerve "maybe"... heaviness in my chest when I lay back flat... when I sit up a little my shoulder hurts... so totally sitting up (not conducive to sleeping) this gets old...

Lifes little moments...

This year has been filled with those...those moments that make you look. Well you might say " look at what Lois" or " no kidding" But It has not been a journey for my life but a journey in my life. The difference is profound...when The women around me where afraid are afraid this is their end game, I am was saying/ feeling how incredibly annoying how inconvenient how disruptive to my life. and I still feel that way here nearing the end when I have just radiation left. I do believe there has got to be a better way to get through this!
 I will say I was/am over weight when this started but I exercised 5 days per week. I ate reasonably well. Now because of chemo I have pulmonary embolisms so breathing can be difficult and I am no on blood thinners because of that. I am anemic , which drains my energy. to get moving is a trial to keep moving a chore. during chemo I battled depression something that has never been an issue in my life. And other small things I never experienced that have become hurtles to overcome.
 The up side oddly for me has been the walking a mile in another man shoes. I understand now more about depression and having the will to overcome it. I understand when people say " I am just too tired" I even understand people with eating disorders because I have spent the last few months mostly forcing myself to eat, because nothing sounds or taste good ( which in my case is kind of a blessing). And of course how amazing the people in my life have been. I by nature am a loner which may surprise some of you given what I do for a living. It has always been easier for me to give than receive. I guess it makes me seem a much better person than I actually am. Having said that the out pouring of love has more than once (more than a dozen times) brought me to tears! Even that I analyze how did I not ever realize this before?
There are things I have changed in my life...some that will stay the same though I know they need to change...But I have learned much on this lump...a path I hope you never have to take and for those of you that have I salute you it sucks. For those of you that will you can get to the otherside.
I am looking forward to writing my last post in this blog...but until then thank you for sharing my journey.

On the other side of the mountain!

Got the all clear today! So a few weeks of healing then on to radiation. .. it feels like he said okay your. .. not done yet. .. you would think I would be all woo hoo! But I am more like cool what's next... am I crazy?

Attention! Important Notice! Lol!

Hi everyone!  I am sending out this note to let you know what is going on with me and working.
I have started picking Wednesdays back up but normally it will be a short day starting at noon.
Sunday, Monday & Tuesday noon to 7pm working later on request. 

I will hopefully start radiation the end of October. Which will be 5 days per week for 6 weeks. I am told I can get it done before work and that it may make me tired.
I am looking forward to this process being over!

  As of now I have had 2 breast surgeries.  One for the lump, the second because I did not have clean margins. I do not have the results from the second surgery as yet.
In conclusion I have more time on my books and am feeling really very good!  If you haven't been in on a while or if you are just due for your next visit I am looking forward to seeing you!  Text, email,  or call!

I am thankful to all of you for your support.
Lois

Day 2 back at work. ..

So work seems to be going well... I actually feel really good during the day. ... nighttime...that is a different story... breast aches, shoulder bites,  muscles hurt ...I lay down my chest is heavy... it seems to take forever to go to sleep! So I then take something... does it really help I am not sure... but I think I will have a shower, that always at least eases the sore....

Last night... work tomorrow!

So it's been a week and a day. I feel pretty good!  I was out and about most of the day.  So tomorrow I hit the ground running!  Fingers crossed! !!!

Almost human...

Well I just awoke again. I am hungry (that is new) my head seems clearer.  So I am going to get up and get something to eat and see how that goes.

Day 3 after surgery. ...

I have been in and out of drug induced sleep for the last 3 days. .. just now thawing out. .. Sore but not horrible.  body aches but I need to get around maybe that will right itself. ..I think I will shower,  maybe find something to eat...

Okay... and now it's today!

So it is almost 5am.  That is 4 hours since my last pain pill. Not that I won't take anymore,  at all... but not talking anymore tonight.
My breast hurts. But not so much at the moment I can't go back to sleep. So gonna try this, I don't have a good answer right now...

Heavy sedation and surgery. ..

At mom's! Hi everybody!  Sooo I had surgery (heavy sedation) boob hurt really horrible! Vertu different than when they put me under all the way!  I awoke from that feeling nothing. .. They kept giving narcotics and I asked if they could just numb it with out making me all heady. They said no. Which actually seems dumb! I have been sleeping all day (because of the drugs) Surgeon seems optimistic. And because I have no other option (I am gonna rinse and repeat ) for a couple days. ...

Things that make me smile. ..

Just life. ..

If wishes where kisses...

I wish I felt more myself.  I have to be grateful for the health I have,  but my boob hurts.  It is hard and aches.  Tomorrow I see the surgeon,  I am hoping that he had good answers to my questions and challenges.
Up side,  my grandson talked to me skype today Gave me tons of kisses!  He is so very cute!  It totally made my day!!!
If wishes where kisses.... I wish this journey was at an end. .. I really am over being tired. .. and hurting. .. but reality is I am getting better... 😄

A perfect day Or time in a bottle. ..

Wasn't that the line?  Something about time in a bottle?  It was a lovely day. Kelly talked about quiting smoking (woot woo) we road the streetcar its entire route round trip. We talked and had a lovely day. We read fun facts about Portland(not all of them accurate) we had fun just talking...

The weekend and Happy Labor day! !

Happy labor day all!  A whole lot of nowhere and nothing. Not been my best showing for a labor day weekend. But today should be an adventure!  Stay tuned I will write tonight. ...

So scary bits

Here I am, minding my own business. .. at the drive in... need to potty you know wanna beat the crowd. .. so quick step up there. .. leaving the bathroom there where a lot of cars departing the drivein carbonoxide was so thick. ..I literally couldn't breath. I am trying desperately to get back to the car... by the time I got there it was so hard to breath I could not speak. I tried to call out to Kelly and nothing I fell over onto the hood!  He scooped me up and (I don't even know what he was saying) I just said hold me until I catch my breath. ..he did. ..I was then very tired and we soon went home instead of finishing the movie... I was so very tired I couldn't do this last nightand I am going back to bed now I just wanted to get this down while it was still fresh.... scary stuff...

This is fantastic! A women so very much more than I...

http://sfglobe.com/?id=2632&src=fbfan_2632

Lots for you today Or days of stuff all at once!

The reality of my life is I am not what I was. What does that mean well my brain for example. We went to my friends wedding reception. I knew she would probably want me to do my hair and my new found peach fuzz I wanted to cover so I wore my teal wig in case or knowing there would be pictures. Having said all this ,did I remember to bring things to actually do hair"NO"! Chemo Brain! !! I did get it done when the inevitability happened... she had a beautiful reception, and I am glad she asked me to be apart of it... so chemo brain!
Yesterday, I worked ...then even though I was so tired I wanted nothing but to nap...I really wanted to hike take the boys to water!  Instead of napping, I went to thousand acres... only about a mile in (would have been easy 6 months ago),  I had to stop several times going in and back (more on the way back) but it was so sweet to watch the boys! And then I got some very bad news (not able to share at this moment) but it shook me. So I came home sat and fell fast asleep... I woke and went to bed in the middle of the night... today I am moving slow but I am moving!  I will get better, I am getting better! I am not patient! Not by a long shot! But I am stubborn!  So I may not be completely Lois yet,  but I will be (sooner than later)!

Got a Date!

Next surgery 9/5!!!

Waiting game

Waiting for a date for my next surgery. My cellulitis seems to have resolved, but the hardness in my breast persist. It is completely black and blue (well technically it's greens now) nice scar though ! I am hoping that doesn't change. Well I am going to go to thousand acres with the Boyz this morning

Under I go again...

I just got a call from my surgeon (dun Dun da) another round!  Back under the knife. I was hoping for clean margins obviously I didn't get them... I will be fine it's just getting some more tissue... the tears will stop soon... give me a day I will be better tomorrow....

Sleeping Beauty Or little pills pack a big punch!

Stay in front of the pain. .. that is what the reoccurring theme is.  I have been hearing this line for months. And until my boob turned into a cantaloupe I was having a hard time following orders. ... since Sunday night though (they gave me morphine in the hospital can you say scary) one pill every 2 hours so it only hurts if someone (or a dog) bumps it. There are several ways I can tell it is getting better. # 1  when bumped it hurts a lot less than 3 days ago. #2 it is no longer red. #3 it is less hard. #4 it is starting to looking like my boob again (a very yellow boob) but mine. I am hoping by Friday to stop the meds in the day so I can work Sunday. But I actually feel as if I am getting better yeah! 

Drugged or I am my own hostage. ..

Cellulitis with a fluid build up.  But he wants to give is a few days on antibiotics.  Which means me on drugs because the boob hurts like holy hell! So until the antibiotics work,  we have entered the land of loopy Lois! Because honestly I am tired of pain. No working the rest of the week. Domino effect, no working =moving clients=working harder next week. Now the dogs make me so tired,  I have asleep 3 times writing this....stay tuned

Bad Boob!

Here I am in a hospital bed. .. of all places, in a hospital!  They are going to be draining my boob in the morning. .. I keep saying this, but,  I am so over this sick thing! (Uselessly shaking fist) obviously I haven't learned the lesson. ....

When is enough, enough?

A friend and I where talking today. We both "have" breast cancer we both have had surgery and gone through chemo (she is still doing chemo) next is radiation. But in both our heads is the question when do you get to say cancer free?  In her mind she knew the moment she believed it was gone. Oddly I had that moment also (obviously a different moment than hers).  A definitive moment that our brains "saw"  we were free ... having said that , when do the medico's say this is it!  This is the end.  I have to wait find out if I have clean margins and heal. Then 6 weeks of radiation (30 treatments) I know... know. .. my journey down this path is coming to a close. My new path (unless something presents itself) will be regaining my good health!  What is that saying "you are in pretty good shape for the shape you are in" lol!  I want to feel good again!  I need to feel good again!  I have walked a mile in another man's shoes (I want mine back)...

A semblance of life

Well, I other than sore booby and out of breath.  I am good! Down side of hair coming back, Hair is coming back EVERYWHERE ! LOL! So tomorrow is wax day. ♡ I don't know how much longer I will do this blog.  I mean I am almost done in 6 weeks I will have 6 weeks (5 days a week)of radiation which should be a breeze.  As soon as I can I would like to start C 2 5k with my dogs. But otherwise I am un interesting. I want to again thank you all for following me on my journey. I will continue to post until they pronounce me cancer free.

I survived! Seriously!

And besides spending all day in the pre op( lots of test because of the blood clots )  nice new scar. .. just have to wait to hear if I got my clean margins! My journey is nearing its end ....

Can't sleep... why am I scared?

Odd sensation. .. what exactly am I afraid of? It's like when your a kid afraid to go to the dentist. No sane reason behind it. Just irrational, gut fear. It's my bogey man.  So grown up Lois knows all this. And yet here I am. .. sitting in the dark. .. crying. It's no big deal,  I am going to be fine...I am always fine... No answers to be had right now. 9 am surgery prep, which includes placing a hook (seriously that's what they call it) then off to surgery 11:30. It should take about an hour. So I should be out and home by 2pm? ... maybe I can sleep now. ...

Surgery (dun Dun Dun daaa ) am I scared?

They moved it to Wednesday... yes day after tomorrow...I am apprehensive, is that the right word? This is it! What it all comes down too. Radiation is like moping up. .. this is it... why am I so at odds in my head about going under (dun Dun Dun daaa) I am crazy...

Oregon beaches or a blustery day

my first trip to the beach with the boys. .. they weren't impressed though it was nice and cool if a little windy. ..i think we will stick with the rivers they are closer lol!

No more Mr Lumpy

Ultrasound today,  No lump! What more can I say? !? Amazing!  Chemotherapy, was all worth it!  I see the surgeon Tuesday.
They clipped the lump in April. When I asked them why they said "theoretically, it could shrink during chemo to a point that the surgeon couldn't find it"
I was like " no way! "
And here I am!  My husband cried, in public,  unashamed...

It's been days! Or impatience Lois is thy name

Still waiting for a surgery date! Daily I feel stronger. More Lois all the time. I am having a hard time breathing at night when I lay down, And walking. But how very nice to be getting back to me! I have been taking the boys to new parks. I wish it wasn't so hot. I am not tolerating the heat well. It is wonderful though just be walking this earth ...

Because I couldn't think or Facebook thoughts. ..

I posted this on my Facebook... Sometimes in the past few months I have forgotten how very much I love my life. The mundane things that make up my day,  the very special interactions with people. This is why I put up with the chemo. Nothing big no monumental accomplishments just life...

And we have lift off?

  Not a surgery date, but they are doing the cancer team talk and see the surgeon. so happy Lois!

Apparently technical difficulties!

I have received inquiries about what happened to my blog. Well as far as I knew nothing. Apparently I was wrong.  I do not know what happened but it seems to be better now. I will try to figure it all our tomorrow when I am off. ..

Frustration! !!

Still no word!  Called this morning ugh!!!  Okay, I have to be good with the fact that this is out of my control. 

Patience is a virtue... that I don't have!

It is out of my control, which chaps my hide! Waiting for phone calls!  And I feel a little better each day so frustration is high! No worries, I have no hair to pull out lol. ..I have chores to get done and work to do.  Enhancing my calm mmmm.....

Note to self...

Okay, so today... well,  I think I over did yesterday.  Today I really did not feel well... I should have done more (something) today I was a bump on a log marathon Project Runway and naps... tomorrow I will be up at a decent hour and run the errands I should have today! Now off to bed...

Life's small pleasures OR What I did today!

Breakfast with a friend. .. light ( emphasize light) housework... then dog park with the boys,  I did 4 loops around (40 min! ) but 4 loops the boys had a blast they had only a couple time outs... now group.... good day

Decision Made!

Day 12 after Taxol literally the first full day I have felt human!  That among many other things is why I am moving on.  Tomorrow I am calling my oncologist and the breast navigator to find out how I proceed from here (get on the surgery schedule). There is a feeling a great peace for me in this.  I am looking forward to what comes next...

Chemo or not to chemo that is the question...

She gave me a choice try taxol weekly once (if it works 3 weeks) or quit and go to the next phase which is surgery. I was stunned. I mean weekly gives no recovery time that's betting I go from horrific side effects to none (quite possibly having to reschedule everything again!) or believe that the amount of chemo I have gotten so far is enough and move forward (that means preparing for surgery probably within 2 weeks). I have until Monday to decide.

Husbands and other people who are hovering...

See now that sounded bad...the reality is not so much. When this all started I thought my newly minted husband would go down for the count! Having lost his entire family to cancer and him being who he is... I was not encouraged, he made a cocoon, but then like a butterfly
He emerged! He has done so very much! Tried so very hard! This process is definitely changing our relationship...
The other people...let me first say I am a pain in the Ass! I get frustrated and the people who are in my line of fire pay for that (character flaw)... which brings me to my Mom dunDundundah... she has graciously let me stay and hole up here. She wants to mother me ,I want to be left alone! it really is an age old battle with us... I see the pain in her eyes, the pain I don't want to touch her, but because she is my mother it cannot help but land there...and here my dogs play! Somehow instinctively knowing it's okay, Gramma will make it better, we can relax...so she and I do this battle dance with words...I should be somehow nicer, better, I am as always though thankful to her... I love her... my sister, from a far making me feel part of her life...loved...we are better sisters now I think than ever and that is a good thing...my son, 3000 miles is a great insulator. I would like to believe the nature of our relationship has stayed the same...newest to my inner circle Cyndi, she has seen more of me than than I normally allow and how thankful am I that she has chosen to be there!!! There are so many wonderful people in my life! These are just the ones I torture!!! I am so deeply thankful that you have chosen to hover around me......

I dub thee toilet day! Or have I counted the steps yet???

Again trying to have a sense of humor *smile* I wrote am email to the oncologist, I see her tomorrow. I figure if she knows all my stuff before I get there we can use our time more efficiently. And I am not really angry now which is better. So, no I haven't counted the steps. Next trip!

Swing!... and a miss....

I thought I was better...so up I got, clothes on, drive in to town... start getting ready to work and there goes my stomach! Cripies! I think I am getting better...NO there it goes again!... I Want my life back!!!!

Almost human

Eyes open...concentration, well still working on that...the pain is almost gone...tomorrow well be better! I am feeling optimistic!

Medicated...

Finally gotten the pain under control...But totally medication... now it is 4:30 in the morning... I am hoping to get to sleep again...I am so tired of all this...

If 10 is wonderful and 1 is dead

I am a 3...things seriously need to change... I don't seem to be getting better and I need to work tomorrow! The prickly pain is incessant! I can not find food! My head is throbbing but because of the lovenox I can't take any headache meds. I just want a moments peace! If my body would just leave me alone for a little while I could rest...that sounds crazy!!! hopefully when I wake up I will be a 5...

Sleeping beauty...Will she ever wake up?

So it is 11:30 in the morning and I am trying to open my eyes. 2 days after treatment. I am exhausted. I need to get up move around. Get some food. But opening my eyes is a chore. I will give myself I a little time we shall see.

Time...Time...Time... UPDATE!

When we are done it will be 11hours !!!! (Not a miss print)... Cyndi is a trooper! I am so very bless. They have concluded that I don't tolerate the higher drip, so slow and steady...drip,drip drip! I Was also taking my oxycodone every 2 hrs.I am feeling oddly optimistic about moving forward since we have this figured out. Next time and the time after. I will get blood draw the day before so when I get here Wednesday at 7am we will get the drugs on board  start chemo at 8:30 and go straight through at 100 for 6 hrs BAM! No start, increase, pain, high bp, stop, start, lower, reapeat! I do love everyone here. They are all so attentive and caring! Well that's all for now...I am tired going to grab a nap....hugs!
UPDATE; well about 10 minutes after I wrote this (I decided in my infinite wisdom when I had as about 3hrs left not to take any more pain med since it was going so well) my life erupted in pain! Now they are talking about changing my meds which could lead to more sessions. Man I can not catch a break!

Why Dogs are amazing Or my soft spots

Photo#1 That's me in the middle...the morning after I got home from the hospital
Photo#2 brothers sleeping together
Photo#3 what's next mom!?!

Speechless or a day in my life...

Some days I just don't know what to say.... I feel as if I should be better stronger somehow... We went to Edgefield the other night and a girl (she was so young!) New to BC came up to me telling me she was just diagnosed, And started asking me questions. she had her little girl with her( maybe 5yrs old) I wanted to reassure her and warn her and hug her. Things like that happen a lot... I feel somehow I should be more...

So you think you know me?!?

I love all aspects of my life.... now I see the world...differently. I am humbled in the face of all the love and support in my life...I feel deeply how much what I do feeds my soul! And all the lovely people in my life and that I have met during my journey...I will strive as my life moves forward to make time to spend time with those that are important to me and hope to make all those in my life feel as important as they have made me feel!

Plagiarism! Or what I read and had to share...

The following was the response a BC survive wrote in response to the question what advice do you have for others going through this;

1. Upon diagnosis, you will be sent to a surgeon right away. I suggest that before you make any decisions, also get your oncology consult too. 
2. Get on as many prayer chains as possible. 
3. Let people help you...it is therapeutic for them too. 
4. Even if you are an introvert, shy or very private, force yourself to live some of your journey "outloud." If you are willing to be open through the process and engage others, you will be able to minister to them while you are being ministered too. It is a magical scenario. 
5. Give hugs often. If you see a bald stranger, don't be afraid to approach her and offer encouragement and hugs. It truly is a sisterhood. 
6. Be deliberate and intentional in finding or creating joy in the thick of it....wear a hat with dreadlocks sewn in the rim to chemo...let others in the waiting room try it on! 
7. Don't try to be brave and strong all the time. Some times you need to cry and the people around you want you to feel free to BE REAL. Then, let yourself be hugged and suck all the positive energy you can from those hugs. 
8. When you feel good after emerging from one of your chemo fogs....celebrate it...take a basket of treats to work or a couple dozen supermarket roses and pass them out, charging a hug for each item. I called these days, "Feel Good Friday's" and used it as an opportunity to thank everyone for their support. 
9. Don't be afraid to go bald...I knew that by day 14-18 my hair would start to go, so.........I died it pink a couple weeks before chemo. When it started to fall out, I went to the CAO of my hospital and grabbed my hair in my fists and told her the project I was working on was making me pull my hair out....then I literally pulled out two fistfuls in front of her. The look on her face was priceless! I did that gag a few more times, then had it shave off, but stopped short of a total shave for a mowhawk photo! It is still my facebook photo! 
10. Let people see your bald head...they are fascinated by it. When your hair grows back in, let them rub it. People will want to feel your hair because it is even softer than a baby's...I actually miss that! 
11. Do the Race for the Cure, it will blow you away when you see how many people care about breast cancer and that means...they are there for YOU! 
12. Embrace the pink...you will be swamped with it...people will give you everything with pink ribbons...from rubber duckies to socks. Just go with it. It doesn't define you, it does enrich you. 
13. Google the origional Pink Glove Dance by St. Vincent Hospital in Portland, OR if you need a smile. The Free Hug Campaign videos are good too. 
14. Work with your care team if you are having aches and pains during chemo that don't let you sleep or if the side effects of Tamoxifen or Arimidex are making you miserable. They have tricks up their sleeves that you don't know about, they just need to hear from you that you need them. Don't decide to stop something until you exhaust all options with your team. Communicate, communicate, communicate with your team. You will not be a whiner. 
15. Nurture your spirituality during this time and you will come away with a great confidence in the God who loves you and promises to be with you through all your hardships. 
16. If you will be having bilat. mastectomies, have some professional photos taken of your cleavage to give to your man as a gift.

It doesn't all apply to me. but it is sage advice I thought should be passed on....

Finally an amount of normal

I woke,I was hungry,I took a shower, talked to the dogs...oh I feel real! Like a person! As my day moves on still good! Yes! I am a real girl again!

Work...hmmm...Work...help?!?

Work is so many things to me that this last week has been very scary! To think oh I am fine then BAM! Cold sweats, lose focus, concentration, not good... Tomorrow I have. " help " the better part of the day...how will they play out? So tired ... I wish I had better answers :-)

Galavanting...

So one of my many night time forays to the bathroom. There is a sky light so I don't turn on the light/fan (do noisy) but I have slept great 5hours! It's urgent! I walk in turn around sit down and BAM! My feet are out from under me! SMASH! (What is that?) WOOSH (What is that???) Water?!? ...Oh no...the toilet tank busted in half! Now I have to pee, large amount of water is running, I have to stop it, still have to pee! No lights, outstanding!!! And no one heard it...got it...Okay get Kelly (stop&pee first) what a morning!

Heavily medicated! But sleeping....kinda

For those of you that know me, my aversion to mind altering substances is very high. In truth I have figured out it has to do with dependence among other things. So taking something for the night pain was hard for me. Having said that, after talking to the Doctor about that issue she said we will deal with that if needed on the other side. So I swallowed my fear and a pill! And I slept...practically pain free! 3 days now...

Not my shoulder?!?!

Went to physical therapy and she did all these test...conclusion...mostly not my shoulder! It is my neck! Wow! So exercises for my neck and posture. Check my pillow... massage for my scar and cording....she was amazing! So I am going to try theses things and see her back next week.... I know it will take some time , but I am hopeful!

Officially the worst! Yes I know I thought that was yesterday!

Slept all day Saturday...tried work Sunday, that was a bust(had to call my clients) weak, shaky, tired. Actually very scary! My husband drove me to my mom's last night(apparently it makes him feel better)...today had to reschedule my clients again(which means more days in the salon) ...So one of moms friends is going to drive me in for IV fluids and evaluate me. Kelly will pick me up...I officially hate this part.

P.S. had my feet above my heart for days now and I no longer look like a balloon! So that's good:-)

The worst day ever...

So I just had to cancel my day... I am sorry, I am shaky and weak and tired...this is bad...Kelly has come to get me. I will go and sleep and hope to be better tomorrow

Taxel...and 12hrs later I was home

Not exaggerating...so I was not allergic... the problem came on when they turned out all up...pain...so off until it subsides...then on again...that is how it went...I am sure I will be getting a call Monday about it...came home went to bed and just woke(potty break). Now back to sleep.

What a Day!

Today at 6 am I was on my way too emergency(twice in one week) but not for me this time...my poor exhausted husband awoke not being able to breath! Gratefully, it wasn't a great attack or anything pulmonary they could find. High blood pressure, but we left not knowing the cause...we slept a good portion of the day.then dinner at Cartlandia!( You really MUST do that!) Then a dog park for the boys(it's been so long since I have felt good enough to do that) then home I just got done cleaning in the kitchen. I am going to bed on bed! Tomorrow is my first taxel woo hoo!

Hi world! Or day 12 !

This has been a lovely day! Morning doc appointment (all on track which is good!), then chiropractor, then meet up for tea with a friend(wish my taste buds were working better!). Then home! Drifting off as I write this so more tired than I thought...must nap...zzz...

With the morning sun come relief...

Throwing every thing at it...heat packs, hydrocodone, adivan, cold packs. I finally get a margin of sleep in my chair, pillows like packing around me...and as always with the morning comes relief...not pain free, but no where near the horror story that is my night... thankful for now that it's day time...sad I can't have my Aleve....get and get Ready for work! :-)

And then there was pain!!!!

Easily the worst thing about the day is the night...pain starts escalating about 10 minutes after I stop working...just don't know what to do...I had an xray today, I'm hoping something conclusive comes from that...should I call them again? what are they going to do? I'm going to go take another shower seems the only way that I can get relief...

A bed is a wonderful thing!

I know it sounds silly! But because of side effects from chemo. And now I know about the blood clots, I haven't been able to lie flat(in bed) for a couple months. So Kelly getting tired of sleeping alone and me tired of the recliner. Kelly made an incline for my side of the bed!(sleep number) so as I am about to slumber in bed! I know he will have to make adjustments but I will forever appreciate a bed....

Side note; yes I know I am a big girl...

My only and I mean only unpleasant interaction was today... a doctor that was really condescending and bigoted about big people. Wow, it has been a long time since I someone assumed "because of my size"  (no offense intended his words) this was probably why this happened. Really?!? Not that is a fairly common side effect OF CHEMO!!! Seriously!?! Yes, I wish I could exercise more and yes I would like to be smaller. But, wow... I could actually really rant but I will just continue forward and be healthy when this is all over...

While away the hours or fighting boredom

Hospitals are funny. People want to be nice and helpful, but there is only so much they can do....so I am board...there is only do many times to walk the halls, I did watch 4 children's movies!

Biohazard!

So I am in the hospital, not sure if they are keeping me but it looks like it... I have blood clots in my lungs! Who knew! Well I will say more when I know more...
Update: overnighting in the hospital...watching me....oh well

It's all VERY odd! Or 101 post and me who hates to journal!

I just saw that my last post was #100! How is that even possible??? I am a talker not a writer!...so I thought...I know it is more like blurbs than actual journaling thought...mind snap shots!!! I really should be more complete....So here goes...I am half way though chemo! Yay! I think I have tolerated it all pretty well. Food the last 2 times had been my biggest issue(everything taste weird!) That sucks, but is really in the skeam of things not a big deal...Friday chemo has worked great for working...Wednesday is by far my worst day! But again, I just take it slow and push through...Chemo brain, I am definitely not sweating the small stuff! Feeling very much at peace, which translates to(sometimes) I am just trying to get through over here in my world. can really be bothered with yours?! ? Not my MO... it's all very different for me and who know how I will feel on the other end of all this...hugs & love

Strange dreams...strange reality...

I have always had strange dreams. Honestly when they said that was a side effect I was like...oh...so that I have had these oddly vivid dreams, not so big of deal other than how very real they feel until I wake up! Very strange! Mostly funny that I would ever feel that they are real. But somehow they always get me! Then it's awaking to real life... so there is an oddity for the collection...sweet dreams!

Bigger issues than just me...

This is what I posted on my Facebook this morning...
This issue is so sad and not to be summed up and a ribbon put on it so easily. having said that. Why do we not look deeper not at the day it is happening and the weapon of choice, but what has brought us here! People please open your eyes! We are raising our children in a society that glorifies. Extremely violent, make believe behavior! What are our critically acclaimed television shows now?!? They are about drug dealers/makers, and gangs so violent that in "real life" you would never want these people around your children! And video games that look real! That blood spurts and you get extra points for the more killing that is done the more mayhem And we expect/believe our children understand it is not real! Parents are setting their children at younger and younger ages in front of the screens of various devices and when the conversations get difficult let them view play whatever they want! And for children that are already, hard to handle, not well socialized, or have diagnosed and or undiagnosed mental health issues. This combination is becoming more and more lethal! Why are we going straight to gun control? Why is it so taboo now to ask why not parent control?

Hard day...made better by nice people!

I don't know if it's because my blood numbers started low this time or if I just have over did this weekend, but last night was awful! Hot flashes and chills all night! Today hard...but I have such lovely people coming to see me! I won't say I am totally invigorated, but I feel involved and engaged and happy to have been out and part of the day! So thank YOU! I as always am grateful to my clients for being in my life and sharing yours with me!

The good, the bad and the ugly

So my day started early, it was nice (other than the slimy taste) then Work was also nice, a little slow. But nice! Then the gas ran out. My chemo hit like(Remember me I am the chemo you had Friday) tired, half nausea, slimy taste...so going to sleep now.

Giving today a 9 because well I am just that tough!

Today was amazing! First I was given the opportunity to help someone on her cancer journey. We videotaped it soo as soon as I can figure that out she gave me permission to put it up here (sweet girl)... then off to one of my very favorite teens graduation! Included some of my VERY very favorite people EVER!!! We had such a good time!!! Really I am so blessed...

Where am I !?! Or ooh yes Chemo day...

I had really early chemo today... last of this round! Next time its all new! so when I got done I felt pretty good. Cyndi took me a couple places we both got stuff done. Then bam! I needed lights out! I just woke up and got like 2 or 3 minutes couldn't figure out where I was, when it was, or how I got there/here ... nuts!!! :-)

Good day Sun shine...Good Day Sunshine!!!

Lazy girl slept in awoke pain free!!! Lazy girl played games did dishes and laid in the back yard watching the dogs play...oh I am a lazy girl...Ya don't care...tomorrow I will be industrious!...but not today :-)

Way to long of day...

Let me first say, I love what I do and my clients! But there is a reason I went to a 7 hour day...as I Swype with my right thumb resting my phone on the back of my left hand...10 hours is to many on chemo... staying to think 10 hours is to much period. Remember my lessons...going to manage my pain and then sleep

This time is a charm!

This round has been easier than the rest so far not normal but I can move! Getting things done ... 1 more ac Friday, then on to taxol(sp) can you believe it's June first!?!? Hope you are having a great day too!!!

Love Kaiser!

If I haven't said anything but I should have! I love Kaiser! The Oncology is amazing all the nurses and Doctors. But all all my experience! Today with my GP Dr Ogden and his nurse Jackie really listen to me and I feel really well cared for! So my big thank you to all of them for my fabulous care!

Feeling pretty good!

Other than the shoulder ( which we are not talking about) I feel pretty darn good! So enjoying that! Going to the doctor about my shoulder this afternoon hopeful of getting some relief... well happy day!

Really...Chemo Brain!

So I just realized I hadn't taken my high blood pressure meds in like 3 days! Duh! That explains allot! Took it feeling better!!! Okay, now to get going!

Ready, set...set...okay...what's next

I really feel okay,(everything still tastes weird) but I just can't get moving...I am having a hard time motivating just to rise! But I feel okay, so I can do this...I will check back in a bit.

The slime monster!

Totally weird! Not a great day anyway, but to top it off evening taste oily or slimy! Even my water! Hard to describe very strange though! Really trying to have a sense of humor about today...

Old pain or new..does it really matter?

So I have arrived at the conclusion the during my lymph node dissection the surgeon re injured my shoulder! It has been bothering my since the surgery and been becoming a more and more of a challenge with each passing week! The last couple nights in particular( I.e. 3am me posing). So this old pain that for years kept me sleepless and barely functioning that I have just been free of a year or so. Now, seems to be creeping back in! Fantastic! (Sarcasm) really right now, in this moment, I am kind of fed up with it all...but the pain is starting to mercifully release me for now so back to sleep... I will be better in the morning...another beautiful day will greet me.

Oh Ya, I remember this or moving through oatmeal...

Just can't get my stride today. I don't exactly feel bad. But I really don't feel good...that slightly to full uneasy feeling has returned. Low energy...just have to get used to it all again...it's better this way I know... but I am already missing me...deep breath in, breath out, I will be better tomorrow!

We are now living in upside down crazy world!!

I just abandon half a bowl of ice cream because it tasted gross! Each bite was worse than the last! This is horrible! Or potential very good. Up until 2 months ago I had been off dairy for all over a year, choosing almond milk products(very spendy) but satisfying. But comfort food standbys have been my down fall through this process...until now...mixed blessing???? Whatever it is my tummy is UN happy right now as is my mouth! I am going to brush my teeth and hope my tummy settles down...

By the way, it's Memorial Day weekend!

I want to stop a moment and say thank you...
Thank you too my father who was career Coast Guard (27 years) and served with honor at home and in Vietnam.
His father, and friends that served.
My husband who was Air Force and served over seas.
His father who was a WW II and Korea bomber pilot, also career Air Force and reserves(totally nearly 50 years!). His brother who was in Vietnam.
My ex husband, his second wife and his father also served proudly!

These are just a few of the people in my life that bring this holiday home to me. Alive and dead they are all hero's because they chose to serve. Because they chose, my life is better.
This small token before the weekend starts, is to go with my mother and put flowers on all of our fallen spend a moment thinking of them. It isn't much but it is a day of remembrance in my life before I enjoy the fruits of their sacrifices.
Happy Memorial Day!

And then there was chemo... or sleep perchance to dream...

Just woke up( kinda ) when I got back to mom's....I felt fine then it came like a wave...washing away my energy...washing away my will to continue doing what I was doing...then add if to punctuate the point I suddenly could not keep my eyes open! I literally barely made it to bed and was gone...that was 3 hours ago...my bladder just woke me up and of to sleep I am going again...I still have to look back was it like this last time? Hope you are having a fantastic day! I am back to sleep, perchance to dream...

3 down!

Just finished ac 3! I feel good... so cool to be back on track!

Bring on the Chemo!

Got the all clear! Yes!!! This morning I took mom to the grave sides at Lincoln & Willamette.to put flowers out for those who have passed on. The list grows every few years...then we went for my blood draw and then the doc to get his Okey doke! A very full day! Early day tomorrow :-)

Hopeful girl

So today's doctor appointment was pretty positive...the doctor says the arm looks pretty good(sadly nothing to do about the pain but drugs) ... the lump though! She has to look for! Yes! Chemo is working! So hopeful for my third round Friday. Did a short hike with the dogs...now a nap :-)

So tired...

A little scared... so tired...and the shoulder pain...one more work day...then doctors. I hope they figure out why all this pain!...one more day...but first I have to get through tonight

Life and other fabulous things!

Can I just say...what a beautiful damn day! Productive! One of those check off all our to dos for today! Kelly and I did so much and went to dinner too! Loving life!!!

Lois, Hi! I remember you!

Okay so my hiking is slow and we(my dogs and I ) had a nap when I got home. Did laundry and dishes and went out with my husband oh and another walk with the dogs(shorter this time) another nap. I love life!

One more week of ME!

So I to go into the doctors appointment thinking...( I will be able to chemo tomorrow) Nope! He wants to see me again next week :( so now 2 weeks off schedule...hiking tomorrow! Yard work!!! What? Don't over do!? Yes yes :-) so here we go! One more week of Lois!!!

I hike, you hike, we all hike, hike, hike!!!

Me and the boys went to thousand acres!!!! It is literally a thousand acres of off leash trails...let me preface this by saying also I am day 20(?) No chemo I feel great! It's not Lois before chemo but we did 2 & 1/2 miles yes it took me an hour and a half but who really cares! My dogs had s blast! They listened( small corrections) we went to the Sandy river gizmo actually jumped in the water, he came right back out but dang! Stripe was a nervous nelly by the river but he had fun too! And they are wiped out now! Group tonight, home made burgers! What a day!!!

My house of cards...

I feel so good, I feel guilty! Day 17, If all goes well with the surgeon Thursday I get chemo Friday(yea) so conflicted!!! My lump is half the size on only 2 treatments! How can I be anything but hopeful and excited for the third? But this, this feeling of good health.... Wow... So I am holding my breath in my house of cards...

Glimpse of the future or what was will be again!

So day 15 after chemo (and this is only because I am trying to look at the bright side) what a nice day! I did not miss the tiredness that has plagued me. How this day makes a difference, gives me hope that on the other end I will be me again!  The further from the chemo the more like a real girl I will feel! (You lose hope of ever feeling normal again sometimes)  I enjoyed doing mundane things today! With a few more days of recovery before I am able to do chemo. I will revel in this like sunshine!

Should I throw my tantrum now or later!

No chemo! I have an infection ( cellulitis?) So antibiotics for a few days before they recheck me. Lesson ,again, don't get attached to the plan! Dammit! But spent quality time with miss Cyndi and that was great!

A world of pain!

Neupogen, the drug to increase my white blood cells. It's a shot I take for 10 days inbetween chemo. About day 5 of shots the pain starts. It is MUCH worse at night (wish I could figure that out! )... So Kelly says take a pill before it starts BECAUSE you know it is going to happen! But I hate taking things! Tonight however the pain got so bad so quickly, I was literally crying! So I took the hydrocodone & Aleve and a shower and it has brought the level down to about half...which is manageable...definitely talking to the doctor about it  tomorrow...in any event I will be taking the pill before the pain starts from now on (I hate that!)

Digging the support group!

Today was a hard day. But I thought it was important that the gals at group saw me on a bad day. verses how they normally see me happy, high energy you know. I really wanted to share that aspect of Lois. I brought my wigs and my ear cuffs and let everyone try then on! Lots of Selfies lol! Everyone was laughing it was so nice...and as hard as it was and I came home and collapsed. I am so glad I went! It inspired the group leaders to do some more uplifting things! So I am going to continue going. Love & Hugs!

No news is good news!

I just noticed, on really good days I often don't post here... (doing whatever, Life!) But I will post on Facebook. Isn't that odd? Today I promised myself to sleep in( I didn't) finished some tedious paper work just now 3 hours later...(yea me!)...now I have to more short writing projects, then group, then a meeting (hence the short writing projects)... So that is what a good day can look like. More like normal life...boring Lois...

A mile in another man's shoes

Remember that saying? I used to think well you can't really do that so you will never really know, right? Then here I am normally high energy, happy, upbeat, an embracer of life! Chemo has introduced me to another aspect, low energy, many things seem so very hard, feelings of inadequacy... these are in general feelings I am unfamiliar with. I now have a new appreciation for those who travel that road... I have to sometimes do a lot of self talk, listening to funny music, do things I don't feel quite up for. I now feel even more strongly a need to help and encourage others!

Timing is everything Or the good days!

This is the time I live for these days! Day 9 and forward. Oddly I did not realize that until I got moving around this morning.  Though tired it's more manageable and does nothing but get better from here...  until Friday chemo day and the whole circus starts again lol! But for now reveling...

Funny men sing funny rap!

Baba Brinkman & Professor Elemental - What's Your…: http://youtu.be/MKQCT24_eCA

What a difference a day makes!

Awoke today feeling pretty much great! Breakfast...then we will go for a walk! Who you might ask, my mother... I haven't seen her since the shaving... and though she saw the video she was UN prepared for me in person... some know some not, my father( he passed just over 7 years ago ) was bald. My mother had been smirking at me with these sneek peek looks since last night! So this morning I was like" knock it off! " she did not even try to hide or deny it! She says you look just like him! Thank you that is what I wanted to here... it's true... but still... I am hoping she gets over it today...enjoy the sun!

More's the pity or wise words...

Yes, I was having a pity party yesterday! Then someone responded to it and this is what she said " You go through life believing you support your responsibilities, but the truth is your responsibilities support you. They hold you up and create your place in the world. It probably does not matter how you choose to structure your day, but the structure is important! " wow! Today is a better day...as will be tomorrow!

Reality bites!

Today I had plans on doing several things. Did not do one of them! I woke up feeling horrible! And couldn't shake it. So I did a little wallowing, not at all productive! So now it is night I am actually feeling much better...but now guilty for the wallowing...so should I have bucked up today? Been better? I don't know what the right answer is. I worked hard this week and was happy and thankful to be able to do o it! But today, today... I am looking forward to tomorrow now, so is that like a checkout day? Is it okay? I guess it doesn't matter since I did it and it's over now...

The Girl who had it all...

I was just talking to a friend and I realized...that's it!!! To embrace this really means being that girl! The girl that is loved and can sleep, or eat whatever just because I want it? Someone else asked me today, would I work if I didn't have to. The answer Yes! My need for the interaction with others is deep! But right now my energy level is very low...this low is is hard because I can't seem to climb out of it... the bone pain... it's like, can I sleep until tomorrow? Restart!!!... but it is just 2 if I wake up before 4 I will go to group... (edit) no I didn't go to group ...I do wish it had been a better day but tomorrow will be better!

Kaleidoscope eyes...

Have you ever had sparkly vision? Or this which I oddly have before! I call kaleidoscope eyes with these geometric shapes floating in your line of site. Really disconcerting! Not a good day for the home team! So, what to do... good that should help, need to get back of the dairy(cramps plaguing me today) ... give it time...took my blood pressure meds that should help too. And wait... I want to walk with the boys this afternoon! Maybe when Kelly comes home we'll do tabor... I will check in later..

Good day sunshine..good day sunshine!

It really is an ebb and flow. I opened my eyes ( after sleeping for 12 hours except potty breaks) I feel good, I will tell you in a while but really good!! I love that the sun is out! So up we go ! Breakfast and shower and meet my day!

Highs & Lows nobody knows!

My days now are about energy... like today, I awoke to a kind of half me just over half full. Where yesterday was great! Today was harder to ramp up. I love my clients BECAUSE I can say, this is a low energy day and I am going to be slow and everyone is cool with that! I am still wondering if Wednesday would be a better chemo day. But only 2 more A&C.

The Shaving...

this was the only way I could get it linked here

Shaving video

Things that make me laugh!

I read somewhere laughter is the best medicine! So ever in my endeavors to make me smile...I present professor elemental!
oh Geoffrey

Sharing means caring and caring means sharing!

It really is what working is for me I had a full day. Allison came in she has great stuff happening in her life! I am feeling fantastic so not needing her help right now but that's okay it was great to share and see her really need to do a sit down! Had great clients today! Loving energizing supportive as is my life right now! I have to say I came home and less than an hour I was crashed! Just waking up from that other than bathroom stops. I will drift off again soon. But how nice it is to be blessed with the gift of labor. To be able to service the needs/desires of ours and in return(besides the money) I get to feel the love that other people feel for me...this lesson is one of the best!

Pretty wigs too!

I have more ordered. But I love the ones I have!

Rockin the bald and my friends support!

I am going to load my video here as soon as I can... bump thing I am having a terrible time with but you can go on my Facebook ( Lois Renn ) I got it up there finally! Shoulda filmed it on my phone! Having said that I have these pics and my friend! OMG! What a love! her son did hers as a token of her love and support of my journey! I am taken aback every day by the show of love the people in my life have for me...if ever you wonder why I have strength, courage, and carry on with a smile! Look around ME

Breaking news!...Chemo killed my hair today

I was feeling restless that is part of the chemo. So it's nearly midnight I decide to take a shower(that always feels good) look in the mirror run my hand through my hair and...handful of hair comes back!!! I was going to avoid this by shaving my head! This unnecessary trauma. Who knew same day as chemo...so then of course I was fascinated! Literal hunks of hair and no pain, weird. I saved some. So what is left tomorrow gets shaved...

Something normal!

When I didn't post yesterday this it's part of what I did...

It takes one smarter than I...

My good friend Cyndi...I hadn't asked her to take this entire journey with me. I am however totally happy she decide to. Me thinking I could drive myself(nuts!!!) Not! Round 2 at the very end like the last 5 minutes(which I didn't know until they told me) my head went away... everything went soft....driving? Ya no...but I didn't need to worry about that because Cyndi was there... she brought me home 5 hours ago I just woke!  I feel much clearer now(yea) but wow... so now to self I need a driver/brain for A/C chemo...Thanks again Angel(aka Cyndi)

2 down! Or chemo I will have mine with tea

We went to chemo this morning. Yea!!! It went great! had great chat with a gal from my support group. She just happened to be there the same time I was. The first words were "we missed you at group!" Back story I had decided I wasn't going to continue because I really was looking for more resource and less support, But I do have unfinished business there and was going back next week. The gal from group is farther along so at the end of this group. Her feeling was(and I agree) because she and I are both up people that the group needs our prospective. So we spent our time together this morning kind of brainstorming! I have ideas she thinks that it's okay to introduce a new flavor to the group and it may help it become what I am looking for and help the some of the others go down a more positive path!

Laughter is the best medicine...

Okay, the title isn't the best I guess but what a great day!!! My second round today was with the surgeon. Unbannounced to me they were running 40 minutes late but I was listening to professor elemental and silently laughing and bopping so when I got in my blood pressure was 116/62 this morning it was 146/93 (which is more were I normally am) so that happy laughter thing works! And the news was really good! Still stage 2 minimal lymph involvement so if chemo does its job I may not have to have more taken. Shrinking in my lump already! Surgery the end of July as soon as chemo is over... and now dinner & a movie with my hubby... good damn day!

Everything is coming up Roses! Or cleared for take off!

Hooray! My blood my blood work came back normal!!! Now this equates to several things... Lacy accessed my port in like 2 seconds! Which means that she in Fact is a Goddess! That my blood doesn't completely hate me! I can go out into the world!!! Dinner & a movie with my honey! And of course round 2 of chemo Friday.
She left the port accessed so Friday they just hook me up (woo hoo!) It actually stings a little, but really not a big deal. One more doctor appointment today. Had a nap so I am ready for the rest of my day!!!

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood ...

I have been clear headed for a week now(Yes!) And that for me means having a life... this is what life looks like;
Working , getting ready for my day the adrenaline starts to flow. By the time I am working it is humming through me. Touching people with all this out pouring of love, my senses fairly sing with the energy! It sustains me through my day. More it carries me! And then it's over... 5 minutes after my last client, wham, I am exhausted. Before chemo two major thing where different, one, as much as I have always felt loved it is more open now. Second I had more personal energy to sustain me. So working now is particularly more intense... It is where I feel most like me...
Then on working days after, well, I am profoundly tired. What little I do is an effort. Taking the Neuprygon shot at night is pain inducing so I have found taking a pain reliever before sleep gets me through most of the night...oh and I cry at the drop of a hat(annoying)!
Day off (no dr appointment no chemo), first I have to gauge how I feel(that changes) and takes a while. reading Facebook and emails slowly building my energy, figuring out what I need/want to get done. Now I haven't had many of these yet and over did both times! So clearly something I need to work out...
Day off with Dr appointments/chemo/blood draws, I seem to do okay mostly because I have someone(helpful) with me. She energizes me but not to the point of over stimulating. A nice balance...
the rest of this week...
Wednesday is filled with doctor appointments, blood draws, support group and mom. Right now it feels like a lot but I feel better than I have also...
Thursday, house cleaning...
Friday chemo...and the merry go round begins again. I don't know if it will be different next set....and through all of this at the end of the day there is Kelly. He endures my pain, my emotions, my tears, my insanity, my inability to be in public, my crazy. He doesn't go to bed because I can't right now(lying flat is hard). No matter how much I ask him too he wants to be close in case I need something...he's learning too, that my crying is something that can't be fixed, its okay...and other things too...my mom who I call and vent to, cry to, hold when I can and just lets me...
So how can I be less than strong or brave or any of the adjectives that people tell me I am when this is what my life is! I am surrounded by, immersed in Love...

Port or not to Port...it is not supposed to be a question!!!

Today I was supposed to get follow up blood work to find out if those pesky white blood cells are cooperating. Pretty straight forward right? Because I have a port, right?!? Or not! Frustration!! Yes I have been told how deep it is blah blah blah...it is emotionally draining to be literally poked at for 10, 20 ,30 minutes and to see women who accesses these all day every day be in able to do this. Also no blood ,no results, no chemo! Not okay! So I left with no forward plan. I hopefully tomorrow will yield a better plan....

I am Addicted to hair!!!

Because why else would I do this right? I mean to me it makes loads of sense! And that is why when faced with a challenge like today I can't just say no. "No I can't do that" because in fact I can!!! For those of you who are like what are you talking about! So I planned a 7 hour day and a client came in who really wanted a complete change(always fun!) But she was only scheduled for a basic service. I knew that in order to get this done for her I would have to shuffle and if it complicated at all I would be late. I left at 9:45pm... Now normal Lois is not afraid of some extra work. Chemo Lois not afraid of extra work...but...as satisfying as it is to see her smile...I am tired so very tired...
I had a fantastic day! I did !! Yes, yes! I am addicted to hair!!!

Okay pain! Oww!

So because my body is being stubborn with this white blood cell thing I have to have 2 extra shots of neuperon (spelling) to stimulate the bone marrow oblivious side effect literal bone pain. So up to this point no big deal kind of like hot flashes annoying but over quickly...tonight...this is the 3rd time the pain has woke me up! Pulsing, deep,bone pain, and moving! Back , chest, shoulder, back gadds! I took a pill, I don't work until 1pm so that should be fine. I hope it kicks in before I scream! Must be the extra doses suck...at least it is at night..

Lessons and/or Everything happens for a reason...

I Read back over my post before starting this one. Obviously, I am not a writer. These are moments. I love this blogger because I can use my phone to post. But that also means I am writing like I think which is scary(lol). I tend to think in snap shots. Not always going back and finishing my thoughts. So this post is about all the others and not.
Chemotherapy; once we figured out the fuzzy brain. And again with so much happening in a short span of time things may change. I, in general feel fine. I am tired and there is pain I did not expect. But I have always had a cast iron stomach and am not terribly nauseous. once everything started working again. I spend more time than I care to on the throne. But really still me.
Which brings me to these stupid lessons! I am more emotional (I have to let that be okay), I am tired (I have to learn that is Lois on chemo), Lois on chemo is not going to be able to do regular things(and that's okay)...So it is easy to pick out the lessons it is infinitely harder for me to embrace them...another lesson...
I believe the next chemo will help me define how I will feel the next couple months more than this time...and remember this part is the hardest physically... that is pretty much the nutshell :-)

This is what a really successful day looks like... on Chemo...

Because of my white blood cells I can't be in public, but I could be in the salon(controlled environment). So after a good night sleep I was in the salon noon to 4 went home long nap! I will be going back to sleep soon. Not dizzy, not fuzzy, not nauseous, tired so went home and slept. No guilt. So nice! I had fun, did nice hair, amazing conversations! Good damn day!
Tomorrow is 6 hours so a repeat of today will be nice...

Important Announcement!

I am actually combining 2 things the first;
Apparently, my blood work today says my white blood cells aren't recovering and I am at high risk of infection so please reschedule if you are at all sick (sniffles & cough)  the time frame is the next 3 days. I can't go out in public ( the salon is private so low exposure risk) they will be rechecking my blood Monday morning

Item 2;
So because of going to a 3day work week schedule I am getting very booked up. If you would like to get on my books please think forward and know I am trying my best. I will have help when needed but it still puts me in a limited hours schedule. I am looking forward to seeing everyone! Thank you all for your patience and concern!....

This has been a public service message blah blah blah

Bad blood...

Blood draw today. And yet another betrayal, my white blood cells are not recovering even with the daily shots. So I can't go out in public, 2 more days of shots, apparently I am at this moment very susceptible to infection and germs. The doc said I need to be diligent and he seemed insistent...So all in all not my best day...think good thoughts for tomorrow!

To be or not to be me that Really is the question...

A friend of mine and I were just talking (yes at 6:30am bad night)... and she was saying all the lovely things I have been hearing a lot from people. About how I am strong and whatnot. Which I of course appreciate. Do I believe yes, yes I do. My parents every day growing up told me I was bright and beautiful and could accomplish anything! So Yes I am a pretty big deal in my own head...and that is where I just now in the last 10 minutes realized...I take what I for quite a while have believed is NOT living up to my potential. My last year of slowly getting back into shape after the shoulder injury has finally healed. And eating better...and Why Not(a reason do things rather than sit around)...to me I have been just starting over barely scratching what I should be able to do. Then in 2 seconds this friend opens this new door in my brain... what I have believed is nothing, nearly no progress, actually had been! I didn't think yesterday honestly. No big deal right, a little walk, little dog time, shopping, oh and cleaned the kitchen before I left...nothing..normal...I was wiped out! and up all night(not necessarily related) so new set point.

Report...

So apparently I am not completely"normal" or myself. Yes I did the dog park and walk and shopping. Which really did not sound overly ambitious(to me). first, mt tabor(note the mt) dog park normally the 1/2 mile trail and play time is exhilarating...today I barely did it. So off to a regular dog park give the boys a little more out time. But again silly me rain in Oregon.the few people out where loons and I took the boys home. Now at this point I was tired but I thought, take the boys home go to the store not to strenuous... it hit in the middle of shopping, like I couldn't take another step! Frightening! So I didn't. I just stopped until the feeling passed. It took 2 hours to grocery shop! But I got it done. Then came home and took a huge nap!
Lesson ?(starting to hate the lessons)... I hate chemo, yup that's all I got ...I hate chemo

Just any day or That's life...

That's it right?!? The goal, the end game, just another day. Just like every day... Hmm, well close enough, I definitely could get being the sleep monster because I am oddly tired. But I woke up and I am planning my day! Queasy must keep me close to restrooms. so that has to be part of the plan. The need to move, walking. Food, okay shopping...and yes happy puppies! Dog park...maybe tabor that is walk and dog park... I have a plan!
Probably should include more but right now that will get me to the afternoon...responsible things like yard and house work...yes,yes I need to do that too!

Today was a Success!

Today was so great! Work, then group, home and dinner. Infinitely tired... but I am looking forward to tomorrow! Night night!

Testing...1.2..3...Testing

Okay, been awake 5 minutes so far everything seems real...check back in an hour...one hour in so far so good!!! By the time you read this I will be sure today Is a good day!! At work, this is so great!! Hello Lois!! Missed you!!!

Not quite clearly!!! Or good bye crazy brain!

Seriously! The last 5 days have been s nightmare of hazy, foggy, fuzzy, how many stupid adjectives are there for I hate feeling like that!!! You who know me know I don't indulge in mind altering substances and really the reasons are very few really just a couple head of the list
I don't like how they make me feel!!!
Sounds simple but when my every waking moment is a grand effort to just focus on anything, it drives the point home.
So what made it better? I think a combination of things. One of the anti nausea meds(last taken at 8am) they said to stop, also my electrolytes being off( IV full of whatever) and also my glasses. It occurred to me on the way home that my progressive lenses also made my vision move so put on my old glasses... so right now nauseous but okay. Not fuzzy headed and I can think! AMAZING! Let us keep the fingers crossed for the morning!

Let me count my blessings!

Okay so I am not going to number things of 1,2,3 but in as much as I have so many things to be thankful for. I just talked to Allison. Allie will be helping me in the salon on Sundays and Mondays, she will be invaluable during this time for me! I'm thankful for all of you to have inconvenienced so far this week I am sorry. I appreciate your patience, as I go through this new experience in my life. my friends and my family, putting up with emotional crying Lois...I know this is only the first few days and it will get better. I am blessed to have you all in my life. Thank you

Really!?!

Okay anger...that is it... I am so lame!!! I called the advice nurse who was just nice, but not on board with me working today! I have got to get my head clear... can't think, can't drive, this is beyond annoying! I don't feel particularly sick.the port hurts but really not bad...I need my head!!!

Working...slow...

Okay thought everything was going okay my first client went well I moved up my next to get home to sleep sooner and bam! I forgot to put a client on my books! A new client no less! My guilt is extreme! And what is worse I just could not face it today...how am I going to do this! ... I am calling the Oncology nurse tomorrow morning I am hoping there is something to clear my head...I am so fuzzy and tired... I have 7 hours on tomorrow and Tuesday right now that feels like a lot!

No witty retort...

They said day 3-5 would be harder. I was like okay...it's day 3. My stomach hates me! Not sick so much as hurts everything is moving around like it's trying to find a comfortable resting place. And not getting far from the throne. So that's good I think... I am going to figure this out! I think I just need to have a little more time to know what the new set point is, like this is me on chemo this is what you are going to feel like. I am used to an amount of daily pain(you know back and hands) it is a set point hire you live your day. This is new I will get used to it
:-)

Mid day the day after

Accomplishments
1) went to bank
2) to store
3)Organizing paper work
4) short walk

Head is pretty clear. but having a little trouble with focus probably shouldn't drive yet.
So all in all a good day! I wish I was totally me, but that I guess is not really reasonable.

Just about ready to start my day...but not...

Okay so this is weird I am a little apprehensive about going out into the work today. I don't feel quite myself and have a world of what if going on in my brain! Stupid brain! I give it a little clarity and it runs rampant! Getting a head ache, time for Aleve anyway...someone is outside pounding on something staying to get the best of me! So I am going to sit here a little longer keep getting ready and it will all be fine...

In the Battle for my brain...

For me Aleive vs hydrocodone...
I pick Aleve what little pain I have is knocked out by the Aleive and no foggy Wonkie head! I slept well. I am going back to sleep for a while then busy day errands. Let's see how I do...they say the first days aren't bad it gets worse later...we will just have to see :-)

1 down 7 to go!

So today was a full day! Big shot out to Cyndi & Denise!
Cyndi was my brain today (which was great because I have none) she was there start(7am) to finish coming out to mom's and rewriting notes into my cancer book! I think it was like 4 when she left! And thank you Carole for coming by too! I really feel so loved and supported right now!
I have an arsenal of anti nausea drugs, a needle drug for bone marrow helps rebuild the white blood cells. since I am young and healthy(their words not mine) I am on the heavy duty chemo. So I have to do these things to stay hardy! :-)
Well sleep is overcoming me now...more later...