Counting blessing??? Or is it okay not to be okay???

And these are the things I think about when I am in my head... things people say "you look great!" "You have hair! ?!" "it is amazing how well you've come through all this" ... the truth be told yes ,yes  and yes!
And then there is not being able to sleep. .. and the feelings of despair ... crying jags...let's not forget the pain...
I am fortunate! Look how well I have done!  What is wrong with me?!?
So many have it so very much worse... insane...I need to find a solution!  Something I can sink into. ..     

13 down 20 to go!

Radiation is odd. Because it doesn't feel like anything! Breath in, breath out, breath in,  hold. 4 times. .. the machine moves around me. ..I am starting to get more tired than I think I should, but I have been doing more.  Swimming, walking the dogs and working. At night the last couple days I am spent. Then I wake up in the middle of the night and have to get back to sleep. Haven't slept in my bed in a long time (I can't lay back flat) so that's a problem. But in general I am in the home stretch!

What's happening? !? Or winding down its okay...

So in a nutshell. .. finished week 2 of radiation ( starting to get tired) been swimming,  working, visited Steven today (that was so nice) it does make me miss Tom more. .. tonight I went to sleep early ...slept a while awoke melancholy. ..
My breast looks very good!  So far it is tender a little red but really not bad.( lots of jojoba & vitiman oil mix)...
I am having my ovaries out in December.  I don't know when yet. If I get my way it will be either the first week of December or the last.

Why have I not been blogging? Well I am getting off this ride soon. I guess it is eye on the prize. Haven't had much to say. Now looking at yet another surgery ...you would think I would learn control is an illusion. But I am so over all of this!  I want my life back!
So there it is. .. slightly crazy Lois. .. sleepy now. .. I love you all so much!

Oncologist today. ..

So I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of answers. Things that suck,  I have to stay on the shots (yuck), now this is mixed she wants my ovaries out by December (still weighing that). Things that are good, my breast looks good and I will get a CT scan in December too. And referrals to help my shoulder and mixed blessing pain meds ( I will sleep tonight)...

Again I can't sleep. ..

What more is there to say. .. the morning brings my appointment. .. really hoping she can help...

Week 1 down 5 & 1/2 to go!

Really just counting down lol!  If you are wondering, my day looks like this...radiation, swim, a little house work and dog stuff!  Work days will be radiation, swim, & then work... my theory is if I keep moving maybe (the tired) won't catch me...

Round 4!

Great news today!  The radiology oncologist today said I can swim as long as my skin stays intact. Yes!!! One more step towards normal...

Radiation! Or invisible treatment!

10 min with my arms in a static pose above my head. Ouch! The shoulder thing. So night time is hard. But after 2 treatments okay.  The hardest is is the schedule.... So I am making it a positive...7:30 am I am going to swim after (doc said I could for a couple weeks) by then they are able to move it to 10am so then I will walk. Healthy Lois! That's my plan. ..wish me luck😄

Maybe it's nerves. ..

Sleepless... in and out. .. maybe it is nerve , maybe it has nothing to do with the last few months...I actually might believe that where it not for the fact that I have always slept like the dead... I mean sleep like people have been jealous of lol! Does that make it more important to me, No, just aggravating! Back to counting sheep. ....

Serious Sleep

Of all of my challenges, Sleep has been hardest in the last few weeks. ..which is ironic since that is all I have been doing it seems for months!!! So last night the blissful sleep was a joy... I am at mom's (the dogs and I) came out yesterday. We will go home this afternoon...

Today was my Friday!

Everyone was lovey this week!  Such long days however take there toll... oddly I don't feel it is necessary to make a change I just think I held up pretty well this week!  So yeah!

Did I ever tell you? ??

I probably did.  I do all this on my phone... the posting that is.  If I had to start up the computer Eveytime, I would not have done it at all! It's like have my diary in my hand all the time. So it's not lovely, well written or set up concisely...it's me like I talk... Sometimes like I think...completely who I am (which probably shows a little crazy)... so as I near the end of this journey and add I feel better I am compelled to explain I guess...

Oh Pictures! !!

This is my new hair!  And a night out! Oh and hike with my boys!

Bad night. .. nice day!

I have a hard time still breathing when I lay flat. .. I can eventually get to sleep but often it is a trial...to top that,  I dream so very vividly!  Night before last I dreamed of my father who has been gone 7 years come December... he came up and hugged me and spoke softly of how it would all work out... I couldn't talk about yesterday I was sobbing in my dream and woke up sobbing for real. And as I write this the memory still so vivid ,tears are escaping... nights are hard... but even that withstanding I wake up and the world is beautiful and beckons me out! 

Enjoying life!

Today,  sorry easy hike with my boys (dogs) , sewing, laundry, wash the dogs and then an art opening!  Really I may not be what I used to be , today felt like life!