Because I couldn't think or Facebook thoughts. ..

I posted this on my Facebook... Sometimes in the past few months I have forgotten how very much I love my life. The mundane things that make up my day,  the very special interactions with people. This is why I put up with the chemo. Nothing big no monumental accomplishments just life...

And we have lift off?

  Not a surgery date, but they are doing the cancer team talk and see the surgeon. so happy Lois!

Apparently technical difficulties!

I have received inquiries about what happened to my blog. Well as far as I knew nothing. Apparently I was wrong.  I do not know what happened but it seems to be better now. I will try to figure it all our tomorrow when I am off. ..

Frustration! !!

Still no word!  Called this morning ugh!!!  Okay, I have to be good with the fact that this is out of my control. 

Patience is a virtue... that I don't have!

It is out of my control, which chaps my hide! Waiting for phone calls!  And I feel a little better each day so frustration is high! No worries, I have no hair to pull out lol. ..I have chores to get done and work to do.  Enhancing my calm mmmm.....

Note to self...

Okay, so today... well,  I think I over did yesterday.  Today I really did not feel well... I should have done more (something) today I was a bump on a log marathon Project Runway and naps... tomorrow I will be up at a decent hour and run the errands I should have today! Now off to bed...

Life's small pleasures OR What I did today!

Breakfast with a friend. .. light ( emphasize light) housework... then dog park with the boys,  I did 4 loops around (40 min! ) but 4 loops the boys had a blast they had only a couple time outs... now group.... good day

Decision Made!

Day 12 after Taxol literally the first full day I have felt human!  That among many other things is why I am moving on.  Tomorrow I am calling my oncologist and the breast navigator to find out how I proceed from here (get on the surgery schedule). There is a feeling a great peace for me in this.  I am looking forward to what comes next...

Chemo or not to chemo that is the question...

She gave me a choice try taxol weekly once (if it works 3 weeks) or quit and go to the next phase which is surgery. I was stunned. I mean weekly gives no recovery time that's betting I go from horrific side effects to none (quite possibly having to reschedule everything again!) or believe that the amount of chemo I have gotten so far is enough and move forward (that means preparing for surgery probably within 2 weeks). I have until Monday to decide.

Husbands and other people who are hovering...

See now that sounded bad...the reality is not so much. When this all started I thought my newly minted husband would go down for the count! Having lost his entire family to cancer and him being who he is... I was not encouraged, he made a cocoon, but then like a butterfly
He emerged! He has done so very much! Tried so very hard! This process is definitely changing our relationship...
The other people...let me first say I am a pain in the Ass! I get frustrated and the people who are in my line of fire pay for that (character flaw)... which brings me to my Mom dunDundundah... she has graciously let me stay and hole up here. She wants to mother me ,I want to be left alone! it really is an age old battle with us... I see the pain in her eyes, the pain I don't want to touch her, but because she is my mother it cannot help but land there...and here my dogs play! Somehow instinctively knowing it's okay, Gramma will make it better, we can relax...so she and I do this battle dance with words...I should be somehow nicer, better, I am as always though thankful to her... I love her... my sister, from a far making me feel part of her life...loved...we are better sisters now I think than ever and that is a good thing...my son, 3000 miles is a great insulator. I would like to believe the nature of our relationship has stayed the same...newest to my inner circle Cyndi, she has seen more of me than than I normally allow and how thankful am I that she has chosen to be there!!! There are so many wonderful people in my life! These are just the ones I torture!!! I am so deeply thankful that you have chosen to hover around me......

I dub thee toilet day! Or have I counted the steps yet???

Again trying to have a sense of humor *smile* I wrote am email to the oncologist, I see her tomorrow. I figure if she knows all my stuff before I get there we can use our time more efficiently. And I am not really angry now which is better. So, no I haven't counted the steps. Next trip!

Swing!... and a miss....

I thought I was better...so up I got, clothes on, drive in to town... start getting ready to work and there goes my stomach! Cripies! I think I am getting better...NO there it goes again!... I Want my life back!!!!

Almost human

Eyes open...concentration, well still working on that...the pain is almost gone...tomorrow well be better! I am feeling optimistic!

Medicated...

Finally gotten the pain under control...But totally medication... now it is 4:30 in the morning... I am hoping to get to sleep again...I am so tired of all this...

If 10 is wonderful and 1 is dead

I am a 3...things seriously need to change... I don't seem to be getting better and I need to work tomorrow! The prickly pain is incessant! I can not find food! My head is throbbing but because of the lovenox I can't take any headache meds. I just want a moments peace! If my body would just leave me alone for a little while I could rest...that sounds crazy!!! hopefully when I wake up I will be a 5...

Sleeping beauty...Will she ever wake up?

So it is 11:30 in the morning and I am trying to open my eyes. 2 days after treatment. I am exhausted. I need to get up move around. Get some food. But opening my eyes is a chore. I will give myself I a little time we shall see.

Time...Time...Time... UPDATE!

When we are done it will be 11hours !!!! (Not a miss print)... Cyndi is a trooper! I am so very bless. They have concluded that I don't tolerate the higher drip, so slow and steady...drip,drip drip! I Was also taking my oxycodone every 2 hrs.I am feeling oddly optimistic about moving forward since we have this figured out. Next time and the time after. I will get blood draw the day before so when I get here Wednesday at 7am we will get the drugs on board  start chemo at 8:30 and go straight through at 100 for 6 hrs BAM! No start, increase, pain, high bp, stop, start, lower, reapeat! I do love everyone here. They are all so attentive and caring! Well that's all for now...I am tired going to grab a nap....hugs!
UPDATE; well about 10 minutes after I wrote this (I decided in my infinite wisdom when I had as about 3hrs left not to take any more pain med since it was going so well) my life erupted in pain! Now they are talking about changing my meds which could lead to more sessions. Man I can not catch a break!

Why Dogs are amazing Or my soft spots

Photo#1 That's me in the middle...the morning after I got home from the hospital
Photo#2 brothers sleeping together
Photo#3 what's next mom!?!

Speechless or a day in my life...

Some days I just don't know what to say.... I feel as if I should be better stronger somehow... We went to Edgefield the other night and a girl (she was so young!) New to BC came up to me telling me she was just diagnosed, And started asking me questions. she had her little girl with her( maybe 5yrs old) I wanted to reassure her and warn her and hug her. Things like that happen a lot... I feel somehow I should be more...

So you think you know me?!?

I love all aspects of my life.... now I see the world...differently. I am humbled in the face of all the love and support in my life...I feel deeply how much what I do feeds my soul! And all the lovely people in my life and that I have met during my journey...I will strive as my life moves forward to make time to spend time with those that are important to me and hope to make all those in my life feel as important as they have made me feel!

Plagiarism! Or what I read and had to share...

The following was the response a BC survive wrote in response to the question what advice do you have for others going through this;

1. Upon diagnosis, you will be sent to a surgeon right away. I suggest that before you make any decisions, also get your oncology consult too. 
2. Get on as many prayer chains as possible. 
3. Let people help you...it is therapeutic for them too. 
4. Even if you are an introvert, shy or very private, force yourself to live some of your journey "outloud." If you are willing to be open through the process and engage others, you will be able to minister to them while you are being ministered too. It is a magical scenario. 
5. Give hugs often. If you see a bald stranger, don't be afraid to approach her and offer encouragement and hugs. It truly is a sisterhood. 
6. Be deliberate and intentional in finding or creating joy in the thick of it....wear a hat with dreadlocks sewn in the rim to chemo...let others in the waiting room try it on! 
7. Don't try to be brave and strong all the time. Some times you need to cry and the people around you want you to feel free to BE REAL. Then, let yourself be hugged and suck all the positive energy you can from those hugs. 
8. When you feel good after emerging from one of your chemo fogs....celebrate it...take a basket of treats to work or a couple dozen supermarket roses and pass them out, charging a hug for each item. I called these days, "Feel Good Friday's" and used it as an opportunity to thank everyone for their support. 
9. Don't be afraid to go bald...I knew that by day 14-18 my hair would start to go, so.........I died it pink a couple weeks before chemo. When it started to fall out, I went to the CAO of my hospital and grabbed my hair in my fists and told her the project I was working on was making me pull my hair out....then I literally pulled out two fistfuls in front of her. The look on her face was priceless! I did that gag a few more times, then had it shave off, but stopped short of a total shave for a mowhawk photo! It is still my facebook photo! 
10. Let people see your bald head...they are fascinated by it. When your hair grows back in, let them rub it. People will want to feel your hair because it is even softer than a baby's...I actually miss that! 
11. Do the Race for the Cure, it will blow you away when you see how many people care about breast cancer and that means...they are there for YOU! 
12. Embrace the pink...you will be swamped with it...people will give you everything with pink ribbons...from rubber duckies to socks. Just go with it. It doesn't define you, it does enrich you. 
13. Google the origional Pink Glove Dance by St. Vincent Hospital in Portland, OR if you need a smile. The Free Hug Campaign videos are good too. 
14. Work with your care team if you are having aches and pains during chemo that don't let you sleep or if the side effects of Tamoxifen or Arimidex are making you miserable. They have tricks up their sleeves that you don't know about, they just need to hear from you that you need them. Don't decide to stop something until you exhaust all options with your team. Communicate, communicate, communicate with your team. You will not be a whiner. 
15. Nurture your spirituality during this time and you will come away with a great confidence in the God who loves you and promises to be with you through all your hardships. 
16. If you will be having bilat. mastectomies, have some professional photos taken of your cleavage to give to your man as a gift.

It doesn't all apply to me. but it is sage advice I thought should be passed on....