Reality bites!

Today I had plans on doing several things. Did not do one of them! I woke up feeling horrible! And couldn't shake it. So I did a little wallowing, not at all productive! So now it is night I am actually feeling much better...but now guilty for the wallowing...so should I have bucked up today? Been better? I don't know what the right answer is. I worked hard this week and was happy and thankful to be able to do o it! But today, today... I am looking forward to tomorrow now, so is that like a checkout day? Is it okay? I guess it doesn't matter since I did it and it's over now...

The Girl who had it all...

I was just talking to a friend and I realized...that's it!!! To embrace this really means being that girl! The girl that is loved and can sleep, or eat whatever just because I want it? Someone else asked me today, would I work if I didn't have to. The answer Yes! My need for the interaction with others is deep! But right now my energy level is very low...this low is is hard because I can't seem to climb out of it... the bone pain... it's like, can I sleep until tomorrow? Restart!!!... but it is just 2 if I wake up before 4 I will go to group... (edit) no I didn't go to group ...I do wish it had been a better day but tomorrow will be better!

Kaleidoscope eyes...

Have you ever had sparkly vision? Or this which I oddly have before! I call kaleidoscope eyes with these geometric shapes floating in your line of site. Really disconcerting! Not a good day for the home team! So, what to do... good that should help, need to get back of the dairy(cramps plaguing me today) ... give it time...took my blood pressure meds that should help too. And wait... I want to walk with the boys this afternoon! Maybe when Kelly comes home we'll do tabor... I will check in later..

Good day sunshine..good day sunshine!

It really is an ebb and flow. I opened my eyes ( after sleeping for 12 hours except potty breaks) I feel good, I will tell you in a while but really good!! I love that the sun is out! So up we go ! Breakfast and shower and meet my day!

Highs & Lows nobody knows!

My days now are about energy... like today, I awoke to a kind of half me just over half full. Where yesterday was great! Today was harder to ramp up. I love my clients BECAUSE I can say, this is a low energy day and I am going to be slow and everyone is cool with that! I am still wondering if Wednesday would be a better chemo day. But only 2 more A&C.

The Shaving...

this was the only way I could get it linked here

Shaving video

Things that make me laugh!

I read somewhere laughter is the best medicine! So ever in my endeavors to make me smile...I present professor elemental!
oh Geoffrey

Sharing means caring and caring means sharing!

It really is what working is for me I had a full day. Allison came in she has great stuff happening in her life! I am feeling fantastic so not needing her help right now but that's okay it was great to share and see her really need to do a sit down! Had great clients today! Loving energizing supportive as is my life right now! I have to say I came home and less than an hour I was crashed! Just waking up from that other than bathroom stops. I will drift off again soon. But how nice it is to be blessed with the gift of labor. To be able to service the needs/desires of ours and in return(besides the money) I get to feel the love that other people feel for me...this lesson is one of the best!

Pretty wigs too!

I have more ordered. But I love the ones I have!

Rockin the bald and my friends support!

I am going to load my video here as soon as I can... bump thing I am having a terrible time with but you can go on my Facebook ( Lois Renn ) I got it up there finally! Shoulda filmed it on my phone! Having said that I have these pics and my friend! OMG! What a love! her son did hers as a token of her love and support of my journey! I am taken aback every day by the show of love the people in my life have for me...if ever you wonder why I have strength, courage, and carry on with a smile! Look around ME

Breaking news!...Chemo killed my hair today

I was feeling restless that is part of the chemo. So it's nearly midnight I decide to take a shower(that always feels good) look in the mirror run my hand through my hair and...handful of hair comes back!!! I was going to avoid this by shaving my head! This unnecessary trauma. Who knew same day as chemo...so then of course I was fascinated! Literal hunks of hair and no pain, weird. I saved some. So what is left tomorrow gets shaved...

Something normal!

When I didn't post yesterday this it's part of what I did...

It takes one smarter than I...

My good friend Cyndi...I hadn't asked her to take this entire journey with me. I am however totally happy she decide to. Me thinking I could drive myself(nuts!!!) Not! Round 2 at the very end like the last 5 minutes(which I didn't know until they told me) my head went away... everything went soft....driving? Ya no...but I didn't need to worry about that because Cyndi was there... she brought me home 5 hours ago I just woke!  I feel much clearer now(yea) but wow... so now to self I need a driver/brain for A/C chemo...Thanks again Angel(aka Cyndi)

2 down! Or chemo I will have mine with tea

We went to chemo this morning. Yea!!! It went great! had great chat with a gal from my support group. She just happened to be there the same time I was. The first words were "we missed you at group!" Back story I had decided I wasn't going to continue because I really was looking for more resource and less support, But I do have unfinished business there and was going back next week. The gal from group is farther along so at the end of this group. Her feeling was(and I agree) because she and I are both up people that the group needs our prospective. So we spent our time together this morning kind of brainstorming! I have ideas she thinks that it's okay to introduce a new flavor to the group and it may help it become what I am looking for and help the some of the others go down a more positive path!

Laughter is the best medicine...

Okay, the title isn't the best I guess but what a great day!!! My second round today was with the surgeon. Unbannounced to me they were running 40 minutes late but I was listening to professor elemental and silently laughing and bopping so when I got in my blood pressure was 116/62 this morning it was 146/93 (which is more were I normally am) so that happy laughter thing works! And the news was really good! Still stage 2 minimal lymph involvement so if chemo does its job I may not have to have more taken. Shrinking in my lump already! Surgery the end of July as soon as chemo is over... and now dinner & a movie with my hubby... good damn day!

Everything is coming up Roses! Or cleared for take off!

Hooray! My blood my blood work came back normal!!! Now this equates to several things... Lacy accessed my port in like 2 seconds! Which means that she in Fact is a Goddess! That my blood doesn't completely hate me! I can go out into the world!!! Dinner & a movie with my honey! And of course round 2 of chemo Friday.
She left the port accessed so Friday they just hook me up (woo hoo!) It actually stings a little, but really not a big deal. One more doctor appointment today. Had a nap so I am ready for the rest of my day!!!

Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood ...

I have been clear headed for a week now(Yes!) And that for me means having a life... this is what life looks like;
Working , getting ready for my day the adrenaline starts to flow. By the time I am working it is humming through me. Touching people with all this out pouring of love, my senses fairly sing with the energy! It sustains me through my day. More it carries me! And then it's over... 5 minutes after my last client, wham, I am exhausted. Before chemo two major thing where different, one, as much as I have always felt loved it is more open now. Second I had more personal energy to sustain me. So working now is particularly more intense... It is where I feel most like me...
Then on working days after, well, I am profoundly tired. What little I do is an effort. Taking the Neuprygon shot at night is pain inducing so I have found taking a pain reliever before sleep gets me through most of the night...oh and I cry at the drop of a hat(annoying)!
Day off (no dr appointment no chemo), first I have to gauge how I feel(that changes) and takes a while. reading Facebook and emails slowly building my energy, figuring out what I need/want to get done. Now I haven't had many of these yet and over did both times! So clearly something I need to work out...
Day off with Dr appointments/chemo/blood draws, I seem to do okay mostly because I have someone(helpful) with me. She energizes me but not to the point of over stimulating. A nice balance...
the rest of this week...
Wednesday is filled with doctor appointments, blood draws, support group and mom. Right now it feels like a lot but I feel better than I have also...
Thursday, house cleaning...
Friday chemo...and the merry go round begins again. I don't know if it will be different next set....and through all of this at the end of the day there is Kelly. He endures my pain, my emotions, my tears, my insanity, my inability to be in public, my crazy. He doesn't go to bed because I can't right now(lying flat is hard). No matter how much I ask him too he wants to be close in case I need something...he's learning too, that my crying is something that can't be fixed, its okay...and other things too...my mom who I call and vent to, cry to, hold when I can and just lets me...
So how can I be less than strong or brave or any of the adjectives that people tell me I am when this is what my life is! I am surrounded by, immersed in Love...

Port or not to Port...it is not supposed to be a question!!!

Today I was supposed to get follow up blood work to find out if those pesky white blood cells are cooperating. Pretty straight forward right? Because I have a port, right?!? Or not! Frustration!! Yes I have been told how deep it is blah blah blah...it is emotionally draining to be literally poked at for 10, 20 ,30 minutes and to see women who accesses these all day every day be in able to do this. Also no blood ,no results, no chemo! Not okay! So I left with no forward plan. I hopefully tomorrow will yield a better plan....

I am Addicted to hair!!!

Because why else would I do this right? I mean to me it makes loads of sense! And that is why when faced with a challenge like today I can't just say no. "No I can't do that" because in fact I can!!! For those of you who are like what are you talking about! So I planned a 7 hour day and a client came in who really wanted a complete change(always fun!) But she was only scheduled for a basic service. I knew that in order to get this done for her I would have to shuffle and if it complicated at all I would be late. I left at 9:45pm... Now normal Lois is not afraid of some extra work. Chemo Lois not afraid of extra work...but...as satisfying as it is to see her smile...I am tired so very tired...
I had a fantastic day! I did !! Yes, yes! I am addicted to hair!!!

Okay pain! Oww!

So because my body is being stubborn with this white blood cell thing I have to have 2 extra shots of neuperon (spelling) to stimulate the bone marrow oblivious side effect literal bone pain. So up to this point no big deal kind of like hot flashes annoying but over quickly...tonight...this is the 3rd time the pain has woke me up! Pulsing, deep,bone pain, and moving! Back , chest, shoulder, back gadds! I took a pill, I don't work until 1pm so that should be fine. I hope it kicks in before I scream! Must be the extra doses suck...at least it is at night..

Lessons and/or Everything happens for a reason...

I Read back over my post before starting this one. Obviously, I am not a writer. These are moments. I love this blogger because I can use my phone to post. But that also means I am writing like I think which is scary(lol). I tend to think in snap shots. Not always going back and finishing my thoughts. So this post is about all the others and not.
Chemotherapy; once we figured out the fuzzy brain. And again with so much happening in a short span of time things may change. I, in general feel fine. I am tired and there is pain I did not expect. But I have always had a cast iron stomach and am not terribly nauseous. once everything started working again. I spend more time than I care to on the throne. But really still me.
Which brings me to these stupid lessons! I am more emotional (I have to let that be okay), I am tired (I have to learn that is Lois on chemo), Lois on chemo is not going to be able to do regular things(and that's okay)...So it is easy to pick out the lessons it is infinitely harder for me to embrace them...another lesson...
I believe the next chemo will help me define how I will feel the next couple months more than this time...and remember this part is the hardest physically... that is pretty much the nutshell :-)

This is what a really successful day looks like... on Chemo...

Because of my white blood cells I can't be in public, but I could be in the salon(controlled environment). So after a good night sleep I was in the salon noon to 4 went home long nap! I will be going back to sleep soon. Not dizzy, not fuzzy, not nauseous, tired so went home and slept. No guilt. So nice! I had fun, did nice hair, amazing conversations! Good damn day!
Tomorrow is 6 hours so a repeat of today will be nice...

Important Announcement!

I am actually combining 2 things the first;
Apparently, my blood work today says my white blood cells aren't recovering and I am at high risk of infection so please reschedule if you are at all sick (sniffles & cough)  the time frame is the next 3 days. I can't go out in public ( the salon is private so low exposure risk) they will be rechecking my blood Monday morning

Item 2;
So because of going to a 3day work week schedule I am getting very booked up. If you would like to get on my books please think forward and know I am trying my best. I will have help when needed but it still puts me in a limited hours schedule. I am looking forward to seeing everyone! Thank you all for your patience and concern!....

This has been a public service message blah blah blah

Bad blood...

Blood draw today. And yet another betrayal, my white blood cells are not recovering even with the daily shots. So I can't go out in public, 2 more days of shots, apparently I am at this moment very susceptible to infection and germs. The doc said I need to be diligent and he seemed insistent...So all in all not my best day...think good thoughts for tomorrow!

To be or not to be me that Really is the question...

A friend of mine and I were just talking (yes at 6:30am bad night)... and she was saying all the lovely things I have been hearing a lot from people. About how I am strong and whatnot. Which I of course appreciate. Do I believe yes, yes I do. My parents every day growing up told me I was bright and beautiful and could accomplish anything! So Yes I am a pretty big deal in my own head...and that is where I just now in the last 10 minutes realized...I take what I for quite a while have believed is NOT living up to my potential. My last year of slowly getting back into shape after the shoulder injury has finally healed. And eating better...and Why Not(a reason do things rather than sit around)...to me I have been just starting over barely scratching what I should be able to do. Then in 2 seconds this friend opens this new door in my brain... what I have believed is nothing, nearly no progress, actually had been! I didn't think yesterday honestly. No big deal right, a little walk, little dog time, shopping, oh and cleaned the kitchen before I left...nothing..normal...I was wiped out! and up all night(not necessarily related) so new set point.

Report...

So apparently I am not completely"normal" or myself. Yes I did the dog park and walk and shopping. Which really did not sound overly ambitious(to me). first, mt tabor(note the mt) dog park normally the 1/2 mile trail and play time is exhilarating...today I barely did it. So off to a regular dog park give the boys a little more out time. But again silly me rain in Oregon.the few people out where loons and I took the boys home. Now at this point I was tired but I thought, take the boys home go to the store not to strenuous... it hit in the middle of shopping, like I couldn't take another step! Frightening! So I didn't. I just stopped until the feeling passed. It took 2 hours to grocery shop! But I got it done. Then came home and took a huge nap!
Lesson ?(starting to hate the lessons)... I hate chemo, yup that's all I got ...I hate chemo

Just any day or That's life...

That's it right?!? The goal, the end game, just another day. Just like every day... Hmm, well close enough, I definitely could get being the sleep monster because I am oddly tired. But I woke up and I am planning my day! Queasy must keep me close to restrooms. so that has to be part of the plan. The need to move, walking. Food, okay shopping...and yes happy puppies! Dog park...maybe tabor that is walk and dog park... I have a plan!
Probably should include more but right now that will get me to the afternoon...responsible things like yard and house work...yes,yes I need to do that too!

Today was a Success!

Today was so great! Work, then group, home and dinner. Infinitely tired... but I am looking forward to tomorrow! Night night!

Testing...1.2..3...Testing

Okay, been awake 5 minutes so far everything seems real...check back in an hour...one hour in so far so good!!! By the time you read this I will be sure today Is a good day!! At work, this is so great!! Hello Lois!! Missed you!!!

Not quite clearly!!! Or good bye crazy brain!

Seriously! The last 5 days have been s nightmare of hazy, foggy, fuzzy, how many stupid adjectives are there for I hate feeling like that!!! You who know me know I don't indulge in mind altering substances and really the reasons are very few really just a couple head of the list
I don't like how they make me feel!!!
Sounds simple but when my every waking moment is a grand effort to just focus on anything, it drives the point home.
So what made it better? I think a combination of things. One of the anti nausea meds(last taken at 8am) they said to stop, also my electrolytes being off( IV full of whatever) and also my glasses. It occurred to me on the way home that my progressive lenses also made my vision move so put on my old glasses... so right now nauseous but okay. Not fuzzy headed and I can think! AMAZING! Let us keep the fingers crossed for the morning!

Let me count my blessings!

Okay so I am not going to number things of 1,2,3 but in as much as I have so many things to be thankful for. I just talked to Allison. Allie will be helping me in the salon on Sundays and Mondays, she will be invaluable during this time for me! I'm thankful for all of you to have inconvenienced so far this week I am sorry. I appreciate your patience, as I go through this new experience in my life. my friends and my family, putting up with emotional crying Lois...I know this is only the first few days and it will get better. I am blessed to have you all in my life. Thank you

Really!?!

Okay anger...that is it... I am so lame!!! I called the advice nurse who was just nice, but not on board with me working today! I have got to get my head clear... can't think, can't drive, this is beyond annoying! I don't feel particularly sick.the port hurts but really not bad...I need my head!!!

Working...slow...

Okay thought everything was going okay my first client went well I moved up my next to get home to sleep sooner and bam! I forgot to put a client on my books! A new client no less! My guilt is extreme! And what is worse I just could not face it today...how am I going to do this! ... I am calling the Oncology nurse tomorrow morning I am hoping there is something to clear my head...I am so fuzzy and tired... I have 7 hours on tomorrow and Tuesday right now that feels like a lot!

No witty retort...

They said day 3-5 would be harder. I was like okay...it's day 3. My stomach hates me! Not sick so much as hurts everything is moving around like it's trying to find a comfortable resting place. And not getting far from the throne. So that's good I think... I am going to figure this out! I think I just need to have a little more time to know what the new set point is, like this is me on chemo this is what you are going to feel like. I am used to an amount of daily pain(you know back and hands) it is a set point hire you live your day. This is new I will get used to it
:-)

Mid day the day after

Accomplishments
1) went to bank
2) to store
3)Organizing paper work
4) short walk

Head is pretty clear. but having a little trouble with focus probably shouldn't drive yet.
So all in all a good day! I wish I was totally me, but that I guess is not really reasonable.

Just about ready to start my day...but not...

Okay so this is weird I am a little apprehensive about going out into the work today. I don't feel quite myself and have a world of what if going on in my brain! Stupid brain! I give it a little clarity and it runs rampant! Getting a head ache, time for Aleve anyway...someone is outside pounding on something staying to get the best of me! So I am going to sit here a little longer keep getting ready and it will all be fine...

In the Battle for my brain...

For me Aleive vs hydrocodone...
I pick Aleve what little pain I have is knocked out by the Aleive and no foggy Wonkie head! I slept well. I am going back to sleep for a while then busy day errands. Let's see how I do...they say the first days aren't bad it gets worse later...we will just have to see :-)

1 down 7 to go!

So today was a full day! Big shot out to Cyndi & Denise!
Cyndi was my brain today (which was great because I have none) she was there start(7am) to finish coming out to mom's and rewriting notes into my cancer book! I think it was like 4 when she left! And thank you Carole for coming by too! I really feel so loved and supported right now!
I have an arsenal of anti nausea drugs, a needle drug for bone marrow helps rebuild the white blood cells. since I am young and healthy(their words not mine) I am on the heavy duty chemo. So I have to do these things to stay hardy! :-)
Well sleep is overcoming me now...more later...

Sponge head

So home now...woke up clearer but so tired...not fond of this. I feel out of sorts. I am hoping tomorrow is better. Yes, I know I am having chemo. But I hate not being clear.... I think I will sleep again now...more later :-)

Okay let's not do that again soon

So if this is odd...I am on hydrocodone...everything is in, biopsy taken, tomorrow is chemo. So very sore. Emotional, unfocused. And I can't work Sunday(well ask me Friday) but that is a what the surgeon said. Love technology I have Swype. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to do this...  do not like this feeling! Unfocused, sore, helpless...dumb Boob...well trying to eat, and very tired....I talked to Tom ( that was hard I miss him) and I upset him because I sound all weird... I want my puppies but Kelly and mom say they are better off at her house(I know they are right kind of) but, whatever...So alone while Kelly takes mom home going to eat my fruit and go to sleep I think... So bye for now

Here I am or hurry up and wait!

So laying in a weird Chair waiting for nuclear medicine blue radiative dye will be injected into my breast
Ouch!!! That hurt! Now I am in surgery prep...having a hard time getting the IV in(as usual) they say that I will get something to calm before sedation. IV in yea!!!! Now more waiting, more forms...worried about being able to work Sunday..

Tomorrow everything begins...

So it just hit me, tomorrow. It has been nearly 30 years since I was under a General. I am a little frightened...(being honest more than a little) the last time was awful...oddly it's not about what they are doing, it's about being put to sleep. Weird, I really haven't defined it until now. Yup , Lois the control freak! Been crying a lot this morning...I really do need to work through this...I have much to accomplish today! So showering, calming down, put on a better outlook, and everything will be fine!
1-2-3 peace, love, tranquility...
Each day holds promise...Each day an opportunity!

Amazing how that works! Or run Lois run

So it's been 5 days, will today is 6 of C25k . The boys and I are the very slightest bit improved! We are going to repeat week 1 because, I feel like we are just now starting to get it. My run is less a run than a slow jog but it is not walking and the dogs really like those segments! Oh and yesterday Kelly bought me a total gym off craigslist! So upper body handled too, yea! I am so ready for this year!

Running again! :-)

Well day 2 was just as hard as day 1 but we made it! Today or joke after was at mt tabor which we hadn't been to before and was very pleasant!
No Kaiser calls today so everything is the same!
...I wonder if I can keep this up!?! Yes yes I know positive thoughts!... but it is hard... and the boys love it and I need it so as they say...into the breach! Sally forth! Wagons ho! And whatever other euphemism to say keep at it Lois!!!!

Run or not to run....

Thank you Lisa K you where the straw that broke as it were... after talking to Lisa Tuesday, I down loaded the app and the boys and I started today! So it was hard...It was running 90 seconds(only made that twice) but I will do it again tomorrow! Now we are going on our walking/hike at thousand acres we have been doing 5 miles there when it is not torrential down pour...

Cha,Cha,changes! Turn my world around changes!

One phone call and wham! Everything starts next week! More Blood work, Lymph nodes biopsy, clip , port and Chemo!
By the way that puts me a week earlier for being done with chemo(that is good!)
Thank you Kelly in advance for taking me to the surgery and Cyndi for taking me to chemo! 2 long days but finally!!!
I think I am ready...

It's all about the silver linings!

Right off,I don't know if there is a right way to blog. It's like, do I have this huge out pouring of all my thoughts in one sitting(which is a little jumbly for me) or do I try to compartmentalize(obviously more my style) I "ask" because I know I just posted. This however is a completely different topic! So I feel it deserves to have its own space....okay so I got that out of the way...
Silver lining, I have got to find a happy in this. It is part of my process apparently. So yesterday while ruminating on this(of course it ends up being out loud) I realised that I will have 3 then 4 hours Evey 2 weeks that I can write! My manual that is the never-ending project I can fully devote 28 hours too!(Well I might do something else too) or I might decide to scrap the whole thing! But, I will have the time! :-) oh there was something else... nope it's gone... but really I thought that was pretty exciting!

Going under...

So little changes, but all for the best I think! :-) (I need like stickers to make good smiley faces!) Anyway, 4/9 I will be having 3(yes that is what I said) procedures done all at once, that was going to be done over two days. But the amazing & thoughtful surgical scheduler for my surgeon called me and said wow let me see what I can do so you don't have to be up here twice(this also saves me money+++!). Truly I wasn't looking forward to sedation twice in 24 hours so that is nice too...Kelly is taking me,I feel so much better about that...oh and it is a General, so I go in, go to sleep, wake up, everything is put in and taken out that needs to be. Bam! Isn't that slick?!?!