This year has been filled with those...those moments that make you look. Well you might say " look at what Lois" or " no kidding" But It has not been a journey for my life but a journey in my life. The difference is profound...when The women around me where afraid are afraid this is their end game, I am was saying/ feeling how incredibly annoying how inconvenient how disruptive to my life. and I still feel that way here nearing the end when I have just radiation left. I do believe there has got to be a better way to get through this!
I will say I was/am over weight when this started but I exercised 5 days per week. I ate reasonably well. Now because of chemo I have pulmonary embolisms so breathing can be difficult and I am no on blood thinners because of that. I am anemic , which drains my energy. to get moving is a trial to keep moving a chore. during chemo I battled depression something that has never been an issue in my life. And other small things I never experienced that have become hurtles to overcome.
The up side oddly for me has been the walking a mile in another man shoes. I understand now more about depression and having the will to overcome it. I understand when people say " I am just too tired" I even understand people with eating disorders because I have spent the last few months mostly forcing myself to eat, because nothing sounds or taste good ( which in my case is kind of a blessing). And of course how amazing the people in my life have been. I by nature am a loner which may surprise some of you given what I do for a living. It has always been easier for me to give than receive. I guess it makes me seem a much better person than I actually am. Having said that the out pouring of love has more than once (more than a dozen times) brought me to tears! Even that I analyze how did I not ever realize this before?
There are things I have changed in my life...some that will stay the same though I know they need to change...But I have learned much on this lump...a path I hope you never have to take and for those of you that have I salute you it sucks. For those of you that will you can get to the otherside.
I am looking forward to writing my last post in this blog...but until then thank you for sharing my journey.
I appreciate everything you've written. The only good thing to come out of this is that I've lost weight. I get up in the morning thinking that I need to eat something, need to drink something but I don't want to put anything in my mouth. It tastes nasty, my stomach just feels yucky, Yes, what is with the depression? this past week I have been doing a lot of crying and I am not a crier. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLinda you are an inspiration! thank you.
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